Another key to reducing the risk of purposeful consumption is to help your child process early childhood traumatic experiences. We all have them. These experiences impact some more than others, and sometimes, the impacts can become debilitating.

Think of traumatic impacts as the result of an experience where we did not feel safe. When we have a traumatic experience, and it is followed by additional insecurity or dismissive responses, the experiences can leave an imprint in the survival systems of our brains, leading to trauma symptoms. Anytime we are in an environment that reminds us of the original traumatic experience, our physical senses instantaneously alert our biological survival systems, and those survival systems activate our stress responses in the brain and body. This is called a trigger.

If we have too many triggers and, thus, an abnormal amount of stress responses, our brain and body become maladaptive and start looking for a coping tool to create a sense of safety. This is often the birthplace of compulsive and addictive behaviors. We use these compulsive or addictive behaviors to calm the stress response. Our brain and body begin to crave these behaviors, and pornography can be one of these.

Because of the neurochemical release that accompanies pornography consumption, our brain may associate our triggers with a craving for that consumption, and, as a result, the purposeful pursuit of pornography begins.

So, what does a child need? The child requires a parent who will honestly identify traumatic experiences and help them healthily process those experiences. This is very hard for a parent to do because the traumatic experience is often associated with a sense of failure as a parent. The parent(s) tell themselves, “I did not protect them.”; “It is my fault this happened,” or the worst one of all, “I caused the trauma.” When a parent has this dialogue going through their head, dismissing or ignoring the hard work needed to help a child process their experiences is easy.

So, what is my child’s early childhood trauma, and how do I recognize it? The answer to this question can be as different as the child it applies to. A parent must become an astute observer. They watch moments when their children show insecurity or act out. Observing these moments, they look for patterns and connect the dots across these behaviors. Once they identify the patterns, the parent can help the child process traumatic experiences better.

Not all traumatic experiences are created equal. Some experiences are so consistently traumatic that a parent does not need to guess why their child struggles. The big three that almost always produce a significant trauma response are physical abuse, sexual abuse, and neglect. These are closely followed by several other significant traumatic experiences, such as the death of a loved one, divorce, bullying, and emotional abuse. These significant traumatic experiences often require professional help. As parent(s), we should be quick to engage professionals when our children go through these types of experiences.

When we identify our children’s traumatic experiences and help them process these experiences (often with the help of professionals), we reduce the likelihood that our children will develop long-term triggers and maladaptive responses, which, in turn, reduces the possibility that they will use pornography as a coping tool.

Nothing says awkward more for a child or a parent than discussing sex. But we must embrace the uncomfortable and do it anyway. Our sexual expressions are essential to us as humans. They are beautiful and healthy when approached with the respect that they deserve. But, as with most things wonderful, they can also be abused and put us in harm’s way. Because of this risk of harm, parents often choose not to breach the topic of sex with their children, or if they do, discuss sex primarily using negative language.

Either of these approaches, silence or using negative language, tends to create sexual shame. It tells the child that this is not a safe topic. It is taboo. This leads children to quench their curiosity through internet searches, discussions with friends, or observation of popular media. Each of those alternative methods is fraught with danger and misinformation.

For this reason, it is critical that the parent(s) open dialogue about sex and sexuality in age-appropriate ways. Many resources guide parents on what to discuss at each stage of a child’s development. And it should start when they are a toddler. For example, a perfect discussion with a toddler is about privacy and boundaries. You can also talk with a toddler about healthy expressions, such as cuddling with a safe adult or giving hugs when they want. This age-appropriate dialogue progresses as the child grows and, as a result, normalizes a healthy approach to sex and sexuality.

There may be some awkwardness even in a family with healthy dialogue. Still, when a child hits a critical point, such as an accidental exposure to pornography or even a purposeful one, the openness will significantly increase the likelihood the child will discuss it and process the exposure with their parent(s), thus giving the parent(s) the opportunity to reinforce a positive and healthy view of sex.