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How to Report Sexual Abuse in the United States

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How to Report Sexual Abuse in the United States

If you’ve found yourself in the difficult situation of either knowing or suspecting that sexual abuse is happening, you may have questions or hesitations about reporting the abuse. However, it is important to report what is going on so that the abuse will stop and all those involved can be connected with the resources they need to begin recovering and healing.

We don’t want to downplay how hard and scary it can be to face the prospect of reporting sexual abuse. There are numerous reasons that you might not want to report. The perpetrator could be someone you love and care about, including a family member or even a child or teenager. You might feel like reporting will be disruptive and the abuse is none of your business. You might tell yourself that you should be absolutely certain that abuse is happening before you report.

Despite the legitimate concerns you may have, consider what’s at stake for the child who is being abused. Children who experience trauma like sexual abuse can suffer consequences for the rest of their lives. You need to do what you can to stop that trauma from occurring, and if sexual abuse has occurred, continuing. Here are some practical questions you might have about reporting in the United States.

WHO DO I REPORT TO?

In general, you should report to Child Protective Services (CPS). Their primary goal will be to ensure the long-term safety and well-being of the child. Find the specific agency in your state to report to.

WHAT HAPPENS AFTER I REPORT?

CPS will carry out an investigation, and sometimes law enforcement will help, especially if there are going to be legal consequences for the perpetrator. Investigations will often involve an interview with the child.

WILL MY NAME BE KEPT CONFIDENTIAL?

In most states, you can report anonymously, but officials will find it helpful to have your name if you’re willing to give it. Your name should remain confidential after you report. CPS and law enforcement employees won’t inform people of information in an ongoing investigation.

WILL THE CHILD BE TAKEN FROM THE HOME?

The primary goal of CPS is to ensure the safety and well-being of the child. Removing the child from the home is usually a last resort for CPS because it is so disruptive. The first line of attack will be to put up checks and safeguards in the home to ensure that the child is safe. A child is only removed if authorities determine that an adult cannot provide adequate care and protection.

AM I LEGALLY REQUIRED TO REPORT?

Nearly every state has mandatory reporting laws that require certain individuals to report either suspected or confirmed sexual abuse. Consult these summaries of state laws to find out what your obligations are.

There are other resources out there to help if you still have questions about reporting and if you need support throughout the process.

Stop it Now: 1-888-PREVENT (888-773-2362).

Childhelp: 1-800-4-A-CHILD (800-422-4453).

State Statutes Database

About the author

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Mark Hartvigsen

Online Education and Engagement Director
Mark Hartvigsen has worked at Saprea since 2017 in various roles focusing on education. He also gets to teach a drumming class at the Utah retreat location. Mark has both undergraduate and graduate degrees in English and Music. Prior to his work at Saprea, he taught at the college level in a variety of fields. He is passionate about the power of education to help survivors on their healing journey and to protect kids and teens. Living close to his nephew and nieces inspires Mark to join in the fight against child sexual abuse. Outside of work, Mark is a music aficionado who has played the piano for almost his whole life. Additionally, he enjoys hiking and skiing in Utah’s beautiful mountains.

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How to Manage Your Triggers in the Digital Era

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How to Manage Your Triggers in the Digital Era

Guest blog post written by Taylor Street

We live in the age of information. Access to scientific findings, economic data, and expert knowledge on any subject we’re curious about is literally at our fingertips. Answers to just about any question we can think of are rarely more than a few clicks away.

But, living in a world where we are surrounded by the technology that connects us to all that information has its shortcomings. At any given moment, your phone is probably never more than a few feet away from you, buzzing every few minutes with emails, text messages, and social media notifications. Chances are, at least some of your day-to-day work responsibilities revolve around a computer. And, if you’re like most people, you have at least one television—if not multiple—in your home.

The challenge this poses to a survivor of child sexual abuse is that the risk of encountering something triggering can be extremely high. You might be scrolling through Instagram when you see a photo that reminds you of someone involved in your abuse. Or, you might be watching your favorite TV show when a commercial for the evening news reports yet another celebrity has been accused of sexual misconduct.

Because society will probably only become more inundated with technology—and because conversations around sexual violence will continue making headlines—it’s important that you learn to recognize and manage these triggers. Ignoring them could impact your healing journey and might also affect your ability to function in certain settings.

What is a Trigger?

In recent years, the word “triggered” has become synonymous in pop culture with being overly sensitive, or with the inability to take a joke. Neither of these uses are true or accurate.

In reality, a trigger is an instance when you become physically and/or emotionally reactive to certain sights, sounds, or smells related in some way to the trauma you experienced. These symptoms and feelings are part of your brain’s natural response to unsafe experiences from the past. Your reaction to triggers does not define who you are. Your ability to “control” them does not put a limit on your healing or growth.

What Does “Being Triggered” Actually FEEL Like?

Everyone experiences triggers differently, but like we mentioned above, triggers generally produce some sort of negative physical and/or emotional response.

Physical responses to a trigger might include:

  • Increased heart rate
  • Muscle tension
  • Sweating
  • Trembling
  • Chills or hot flashes
  • Dizziness or nausea
  • Chest pain or tightness
  • Difficulty breathing and/or hyperventilating
  • Tunnel vision or an inability to focus

If you’ve ever had a panic attack, you may notice that some of the physical responses listed above are very similar to what you might experience during a panic attack. It’s important to keep in mind that being triggered can lead to a panic attack, but not always. Additionally, not all panic attacks are caused by feeling triggered. If you’re interested in learning more about panic attacks, check out this Tip Tuesday.

Emotional responses to a trigger might include feelings of:

  • Sadness
  • Anger
  • Fear or mistrust
  • Irritability, or a desire to lash out at others
  • Loneliness, detachment, or a desire to isolate yourself
  • Confusion

Additionally, encountering a trigger can cause your body to go into fight/flight/freeze mode, which might make you feel like you’re experiencing aspects of your abuse all over again. In these instances, the frontal lobe—or “logical” part of your brain that helps with decision making and impulse control—has drastically reduced its activity and the limbic system has taken over. The limbic system—or “primitive brain”—is subconsciously responsible for survival and avoiding pain. It’s where those strong physical and emotional responses originate. To learn more about the different roles your frontal lobe and limbic system play in your healing journey, click here.

How to Identify Things That Trigger You

Identifying triggers in the moment can be difficult—because your limbic system is in the driver’s seat, you probably won’t have time to logically think through what could be causing your discomfort or why. But, reflecting on the experience after you’ve calmed down can help you identify specific triggers.

Here are two tools some survivors find helpful when reflecting on their triggering experiences:

EXPRESSIVE WRITING

Writing is one of the simplest ways to address and process feelings associated with the trauma of your past. This is sometimes called expressive writing, and has quite a lot of research to back up the claim that it’s helpful for survivors. As you think and write about the triggering experience, keep the following situations and questions in mind:

  • You’ve noticed that negative emotions often arise when you watch television. Is there a specific program or type of program that bothers you? Are there specific topics that you find uncomfortable to read about or listen to? How do you respond when the negative emotions arise? Does one of the characters bother you in some way?
  • A loved one shares some type of personal news on Facebook. You want to respond positively, but you can’t help but feel sad or angry. What is the news about? A job promotion? A new relationship? A plan to move to new place? What emotions arose when you read the news? How did your body feel? Are you actually sad or angry about the news or about a memory the news brought up?
  • A group text with friends or family members made you feel nervous and uncomfortable, but you’re not sure why. What was the topic of the conversation? What was the tone of the conversation? Where were you when you were engaging in the text chain? Did someone say something specific that upset you? Who were the people involved in the conversation?

WHEEL OF EMOTIONS

Another tool that many survivors of child sexual abuse find helpful is our emotion wheel. It helps simplify complex feelings and can help you better understand the emotion (or emotions) you’re experiencing. Understanding is an integral step in solving any problem or dilemma—once you understand the emotions that arose when you felt triggered, you can take steps to ease those emotions.

Saprea's emotion wheel, a list of basic emotions surrounded by more specific emotions that fall under a base emotion.

To use the emotion wheel, first think about an experience in which you felt triggered. Start by using the middle of the wheel to identify the core emotion you felt during the experience. Were you angry? Afraid? Sad? Numb?

From there, move to the outer part of the wheel and look at the feelings associated with that emotion. Don’t necessarily look for an emotion. Rather, take note of which ones resonate with you.

Repeat this process several times as you think about various triggering experiences. As you do so, take note of patterns. Are there specific emotions you feel when a triggering experience involves social media? Do you generally feel the same way in all triggering experiences or do the emotions vary depending on the situation?

Because coping with feelings of aggression often requires different tactics than coping with feelings of insecurity, understanding these patterns is critical to the healing process. Once you have an idea of how your emotions typically respond to triggers, you can make plans to cope with those triggers.

How to Cope with Triggers Through Planning and Practice

One of the most challenging aspects of healing from the trauma of child sexual abuse is learning to manage triggers. Because triggers evoke an automatic (often involuntary) response, some survivors find it helpful to make a plan of how they want to manage triggers when they arise. Once you’ve made a plan, you can practice your planned responses so that they come more naturally when you encounter an unexpected trigger.

Below, we’ll go through several types of activities and grounding exercises you can do to combat triggers. We encourage you to try these when you feel calm to not only build your coping abilities, but to also determine which exercises are most helpful for you.

GROUND YOURSELF IN 5-4-3-2-1

Many survivors use grounding exercises to help them de-stress during moments of extreme emotions, dissociations, or flashbacks.

Try this simple, sensory-driven grounding exercise to root yourself in the present moment:

  • Name 5 things you can see.
  • Name 4 things you can feel.
  • Name 3 things you can hear.
  • Name 2 things you can smell.
  • Name 1 thing you can taste.

If you find this exercise helpful and are interested in printables that you can carry with you or hang on your wall, click here.

BREATHE YOUR WAY TO BALANCED EMOTIONS

Breathing is a wonderful grounding technique because you can do it anywhere, at any time, with no supplies or equipment. Intentional, mindful breathing increases the brain’s serotonin levels, which in turn helps calm the mind, balance emotions, and nourish the body.

To practice mindful breathing, follow these steps:

  1. Sit in a comfortable position either in a chair or on the floor.
  2. Inhale through your nose, counting to five as you do so.
  3. Hold your breath and count to seven.
  4. Slowly exhale through your nose, counting to nine as you do so.
  5. Repeat until your heart rate has calmed and you feel more at ease.

Struggling to get control of your breath? Focus on exhaling. That can help kick-start the deep breathing that you need.

DE-STRESS WITH A BUTTERFLY HUG

The butterfly hug—sometimes referred to as the “self-love hug”—is a simple self-soothing technique you can use any time you’re feeling stressed, anxious, or triggered.

This exercise is simple:

  • First, get in a comfortable position, either sitting or lying down.
  • Then, cross your arms over your chest and rest the tips of your fingers on your collarbone, shoulders, or arms.
  • Next, gently tap your arms, alternating sides. As you do so, breathe in and out. Tap for as long as you need to.
  • When it feels right, rest your hands and let your attention come back to the present moment.

For a video tutorial of the butterfly hug, click here.

CREATE A CRISIS CARD

A crisis card is a helpful tool that can come in handy when you’re feeling triggered. Creating one ahead of time will help you plan the actions you can take, people you can call, and positive sayings you can repeat to yourself in a moment of emotional turmoil.

Follow the steps below to create your own crisis card, or click here for a crisis card template that you can complete on your computer and then print at home.

  1. Find a pen and small sheet of paper or note card—we recommend using a sheet about 3×5” that can easily fit in a purse or wallet.
  2. List three things you can do when you’re in an emotional crisis (i.e. mindful breathing, focusing on your senses, going for a walk, etc.).
  3. List three people you can call during these difficult moments (i.e. a friend, family member, significant other, therapist, etc.).
  4. Write down short answers to the following questions:
    1. What do you need from others in this moment?
    2. What is one thing the person who call CAN do for you?
    3. What is one thing the person who call should AVOID doing?
  5. Write a positive statement about yourself that you know has the power to lift you up.

Managing triggers is challenging, and unfortunately, a world filled with technology that could send you into a spiral at any given moment doesn’t make survivors’ lives any easier. But, through thoughtful self-reflection and careful planning, you can learn to recognize and interrupt triggers as they arise.

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There Is Hope After Sibling Sexual Abuse

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Saprea > Blog > All Blogs > There Is Hope After Sibling Sexual Abuse

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There Is Hope After Sibling Sexual Abuse

“Vista Balboa Crisis Center, this is Katie. How can I help you today?”

I hadn’t been expecting this particular phone call one sunny Thursday afternoon while working my shift at a crisis center. Although I had heard many stories from adults who had been traumatized as children, the depth of pain I felt from the person on the other end of the line was especially heartbreaking. They had experienced severe sibling sexual abuse, and this was the first time in over 30 years they had disclosed it to anyone.

As we talked about this person’s experiences, they expressed deep confusion and shame toward the abuse, toward their sibling, and especially toward themselves. They hesitantly described how they had opposite, conflicting, and confusing feelings toward the abuse as well as toward their sibling. When this person learned later in their childhood that it was taboo to have sexual contact with a sibling, they felt like they were responsible for what happened. This had kept them from seeking help over the long, lonely years since their childhood. In those years, they continually struggled with issues of power and balance in their relationships and had immense difficulty trusting others. In over 30 years, they had never had a close relationship.

A very little key will open a very heavy door.

—Charles Dickens

If you have experienced sibling sexual abuse, you are not alone.

While there are many practical resources you can use to heal from sibling sexual abuse, realizing that you are not alone and that your experiences are valid can be important first steps for many survivors. In this blog post I hope to walk alongside you for a few of those steps by sharing with you some common experiences of survivors of sibling sexual abuse.

Ambivalence

Experiencing ambivalence, or conflicting feelings toward someone or something, is a common experience for survivors of child sexual abuse—especially for those who have experienced abuse by a sibling. Just as the weather can be rainy and sunny at the same time, people are capable of experiencing multiple feelings at the same time—even some that may seem opposite, like love and hate.

These emotions can feel confusing or isolating. For many, these contradictory feelings may lead to additional feelings of guilt if they have any positive feelings about the abuse or toward their sibling(s). Deja,* for example, wanted desperately for her step-brother to like her, causing her to readily comply with his abusive and humiliating requests. As an adult Deja feels angry and betrayed by her step-brother and his harmful actions. On the other hand, she still desires his approval and struggles with feeling the abuse was her fault because she had complied and never asked to stop. Deja’s ambivalence toward her brother and sense of self-doubt made it difficult for her to seek support or talk about the abuse to anyone for many years.

Some survivors experience this ambivalence toward their parents or other caregivers, sometimes more so than toward their sibling(s). Although sibling sexual abuse can happen in families with attentive and loving parents, many survivors struggle with feelings toward parents who may have been absent, were busy with their own relationship issues, favored some siblings over others, or responded poorly when the abuse came to light. Research has shown that even typical parents may struggle to intervene appropriately when abuse occurs between their children due to the complex nature of the issue and also because both children typically need help. When there is a lack of appropriate action, it can create layers of resentment or pain for the child being harmed.1

Charlie’s* parents, for instance, were amazing examples of love and support for most of her life, but then swept Charlie’s abuse under the rug when they felt it would cause too much disruption in the family. As a result, Charlie feels both loved and unloved by her family, and the ambivalence leaves her uncertain how to interact with her family.

Because of how the human body automatically responds to certain sensations or scenarios, many survivors may feel confused by how their body may have responded to the abuse, and as an adult may still experience sexual thoughts or fantasies related to those experiences. This can lead to a conflicted relationship with physical intimacy as well as feelings of shame. Some survivors also feel that because their body responded positively to the sexual touch, they must have liked or deserved the abuse, when in reality no one deserves to be abused.

If you have experienced conflicting or ambivalent feelings about your abuse, your sibling, your family, or even yourself, you aren’t alone. You are neither good nor bad for having the feelings or responses that you have, and these feelings and responses don’t define who you are. You can explore more about your feelings here, and speaking with a trained therapist can help you further understand and work through your experience.

Power and Control

Sibling sexual abuse often progresses over time. What may start out as non-abusive play in some situations can escalate into abuse, especially if coercion, power, or force become defining features. John’s* sexual abuse by his older brother typically came after his brother was in trouble with his parents and was the way his brother regained control. As an adult, John makes sure he is the one with power and control in all of his relationships and gets easily frustrated when he feels out of control. Secretly, John feels deep shame, embarrassment, and loss about his childhood and the relationship with his brother he wished he could have had instead of the one he did have.

Because of the nature of sibling sexual abuse, it’s common for blame to be unjustly shifted to the survivor. Some survivors are made to believe by the sibling (or others) that it was their fault or that, as mentioned before, because their body responded or because they complied, that they must have made it happen. Andrea’s* abuse, similar to John’s, involved control and manipulation by her sibling who also made Andrea believe that she was to blame. In contrast to John, Andrea finds herself in a passive role in her adult relationships, even in moments when she tries to be assertive. Her feeling of powerlessness often becomes immobilizing during intimate moments with her partner. Again, similar to John, she secretly feels deep shame, embarrassment, and loss about her childhood.

If you struggle with power and control in your relationships or other aspects of your life, you are not alone. Your real power lies within, and you have the ability to heal. You deserve to have balanced and safe relationships with those around you. You can explore more about relationships here, and can further develop relational skills with a licensed therapist who specializes in relationship issues.

Trust and Hope

Imagine that each time you try to open a certain door in your house, it jams. So you start to use a different door and eventually stop using the door that jams altogether. Having your trust broken is similar to the jammed door. Over time, you may learn to never trust the person or institution again.

The trust that is broken in the course of trauma—whether it’s the abuse itself, the responses of others, or your belief in yourself—can feel as if every door in your house is jammed and no one can be trusted. You may feel stuck, powerless, or hopeless that the future will be any different.

These feelings make absolute sense given the experiences you have had. You adapted to your situation, and distrust can be wonderfully helpful in protecting you in many instances where someone may harm you, at least in some circumstances. Being vulnerable would mean opening yourself up to the possibility of being hurt. However, being vulnerable also means opening yourself up to experiencing love, joy, and healing.

Hope is being able to see that there is light despite all of the darkness

—Desmond Tutu

Interestingly, the word hope first meant trust. With time, the definition of hope has extended to mean to expect with confidence, and, my personal favorite, to cherish a desire with anticipation.2

Cherish hope. Cherish healing. Trust there are doors waiting to be opened to you that lead to safety, healing, and growth. If you are seeking hope, you are not alone.3

We're never so vulnerable than when we trust someone—but paradoxically, if we cannot trust, neither can we find love or joy.

—Walter Anderson

*Names have been changed.

If you are in crisis, or would simply like to talk to someone, you can call (U.S.) 1-800-273-8255 to speak with a trained crisis worker.

You can also text HOME to 741741 to text with a trained counselor. (Canada: text 686868. UK: text 85258).

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Kintsugi: The Value of a Broken Bowl

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Kintsugi: The Value of a Broken Bowl

The Legend of Kintsugi

A Japanese legend tells the story of a mighty shogun warrior who broke his favorite tea bowl and sent it away for repairs. When he received it back, the bowl was held together by unsightly metal staples. Although he could still use it, the shogun was disappointed. Still hoping to restore his beloved bowl to its former beauty, he asked a craftsman to find a more elegant solution.

The craftsman wanted to try a new technique, something that would add to the beauty of the bowl as well as repair it. So, he mended every crack in the bowl with a lacquer resin mixed with gold. When the tea bowl was returned to the shogun, there were streaks of gold running through it, telling its story, and—the warrior thought—adding to its value and beauty. This method of repair became known as kintsugi.

Kintsugi, which roughly translates to “golden joinery,” is the Japanese philosophy that the value of an object is not in its beauty, but in its imperfections, and that these imperfections are something to celebrate, not hide.

For a beautiful illustration of kintsugi, watch the video below:

Just like the kintsugi bowl, I am being restored.
—Janet, past participant at the Saprea Retreat

Kintsugi from Saprea on Vimeo.

Kintsugi and You

That’s a nice story, you may be thinking, but what does it have to do with me? Imagine that your life is like a ceramic bowl. When good things happen, it’s like the bowl is being polished. And when bad things happen, it’s like the bowl is being dinged or scratched. Something like child sexual abuse could create significant cracks. The resulting trauma may even have left you feeling that your bowl had been broken into pieces. You repaired it as best you could, and, like the metal staples, maybe the ways you coped allowed you to be functional, but not utilizing your full potential. With kintsugi, every step you make toward healing is like gluing those pieces back together with gold. You feel more whole and complete.

Although the trauma in your past cannot be changed, it can be managed in ways where it no longer dominates your life. You may carry deep wounds that need validation and healing in order for you to move forward. With proper education, tools, and support, it’s not only possible but probable that you will be able to live a positive, productive, and empowered life. As you learn about how the brain responds to the trauma of your childhood, you can begin the process of putting the broken pieces back together.

It gave me the opportunity to see myself in a completely different light... flawed and broken but not destroyed.
—Sareta, Survivor
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The Saprea Retreat and Kintsugi

When participants arrive at the Saprea Retreat, one of the first activities that they participate in is our version of kintsugi. They take a ceramic bowl and break it. Then they take the pieces and carefully glue them back together using glue mixed with gold-colored powder. It takes some patience, a little bit of practice, and the willingness to try over and over again to fit the pieces back together. This can be an incredibly impactful activity for a survivor and serves as a great way to begin or continue a healing journey.

As a metaphor, kintsugi takes on a different meaning for each survivor who participates in the activity. In some cases the bowl may represent their childhood. Others may feel that the pieces represent their broken trust. The ways kintsugi can apply to your healing journey is as individual as each survivor. Take this opportunity to think about what the metaphor of kintsugi can mean for you and where you currently are in your healing journey.

The activity that put a lot into perspective for me was the kintsugi project. It showed me that what was once broken can be mended and become something even more beautiful.

—Stephanie, past participant at the Saprea Retreat

Your Real-Life Kintsugi

Here at Saprea we understand that your experiences may be difficult to acknowledge or talk about because of the shame and stigma that often surrounds sexual abuse. There can be a lot of reasons to put off addressing your trauma and pursuing the healing that you deserve, but if you don’t face your past, you risk being held hostage by it.

Your wounds and healing are part of your history—a part of who you are. No matter what breaks you’ve experienced, your journey is beautiful. We don’t celebrate that you were abused, but we absolutely celebrate the wonderful person you are and will continue to become as you create your real-life version of kintsugi.

The above quotations came from actual survivors on our Faces of Survivors page where survivors share the experiences of their healing journey. To submit your own survivor story, go here.

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How to Handle the Holidays as a Survivor

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How to Handle the Holidays as a Survivor

The Holidays can be Difficult

The twinkling lights and smell of pine. Soft scarves and warm food. Music and laughter. The hustle and bustle of the holidays can be fun and exciting. Sometimes though the holiday season can present overwhelming emotions and triggering moments. Holidays and family get-togethers can be trying for anyone, but for survivors of child sexual abuse they can be even more difficult, especially if your family is tied to your abuse in some way. It could be that they didn’t believe you, that they didn’t stop it, that they don’t support you in getting help, or that the person who perpetrated your abuse is in your family. For some survivors, the holidays represent the frightening possibility of being in the same room as the person who abused them.

So, as a survivor, how can you handle the holidays? Or, if you’re someone who loves and supports a survivor, what can you do to make the experience less stressful for them? Whether you’re a survivor or a supporter, you’ll find tools below that can help you traverse this time of year with safety and, hopefully, end up feeling more peace and less dread than you have in the past.

If you’re a survivor, keep reading; everything you need is right below.

Handling the Holidays: Tips for Survivors

As you decide what tools to add to your holiday survival kit, trust your intuition. If something feels right, try it. If something feels like it’s not for you, that’s okay. You can simply move on to the next thing. Some things may be easier if you “practice” them before a potentially triggering situation, especially grounding techniques, which are techniques that can help you focus on and stay in the present moment. For example, when you first learned how to tie your shoes it probably took a lot of thought, time, and concentration; now you can probably tie them without even looking. It may take a lot of energy the first few times you try a new technique (including asking for help), but you’ll improve your ability the more often you do it. The more you’ve practiced a technique, the more effective it will be in moments of distress.

Plan ahead

One of the best things that you can do for yourself before any event, party, or get-together is to plan ahead. We tried to make it easier for you by creating the guide below. We’ll walk you through each part of this resource step-by-step so you can get the most out of it.

Download PDF

Identify people who can help

There are a variety of ways to manage triggers, but one thing that can be especially helpful at a party or gathering is identifying a person or group of people who are safe and supportive. This could be someone attending the same event, like a family member or friend. It could also be someone you can call or text, like a therapist, if things start to feel overwhelming. Reach out to this supporter or supporters before the event and let them know that you might need them at that event or during that day and time.

Think about what you'll need from your supporter

When you reach out to let your supporters know that you might need their help, it can be a good idea to let them know a few things that you’ll think will be helpful. This will allow both of you to know what your expectations are. For instance, if you only want someone to listen, it’s important to let your supporter know that, otherwise they may try to fix the problem and make you feel worse. You can also ask them to remind you of a grounding technique that you’ve found effective, or ask them to give you an excuse to leave early if you need it.

Plan out a response to any sexual abuse related questions

When the #MeToo movement began in 2017, it opened up a space for survivors to share their stories and made conversations about sexual abuse more common. If the people at your event know that you are a survivor, it may come up in conversation. If this happens, keep in mind that you are in control of your story and you don’t have to talk about it unless you want to. Plan out a few responses you can use if someone brings this up and you don’t want to share your story or only want to share a part of your story.

Make a list of positive affirmations

Having some positive affirmations ready to use can be a great way to maintain a sense of safety in a stressful situation. You can come up with affirmations that are as general or as specific as you like. Keep in mind that you want these to be encouraging and calming. Instead of saying: “My family will never accept who I am now,” you could tell yourself: “I am enough.” Say your affirmations out loud and see how they make you feel. You can even try writing them down in prominent places so that you see them in the days leading up to the party.

Know when to say No

No one knows what you need better than you do. And sometimes what you need is to not attend a family gathering or holiday event. There can be immense power and relief when you choose to say no. It’s not always easy, however, especially if you feel as though you’re disappointing someone. Take some time to practice declining the invitation. You can even ask a friend to help you roleplay what you’ll do or say. The important thing to remember is that you're doing what is best for you and your well-being; it’s not selfish, it’s self-care.

Make self-care a priority

Speaking of self-care, it is vital for your healing journey that you make caring for yourself a priority. This looks different for everyone. If the thought of a bubble bath makes you roll your eyes, but the idea of taking a long walk makes you feel peaceful, then walking may be a good form of self-care for you. Sometimes something as simple as taking care of an everyday task that you’ve been putting off can be exactly what you need in a moment. Self-care is important for balance at all times of the year, but critical for survival in the holidays when stress can be more common.

Be kind to yourself and don't give up

If things don’t go well, it can make you feel frustrated and defeated. You may blame yourself for being triggered or not handling things as well as you wanted to. Instead of positive affirmations empowering you, you may give in to negative self-talk and berate yourself with mean thoughts. This presents a wonderful opportunity for you to practice being kind to yourself. You’re on a healing journey and this means that there may be setbacks and detours, but as long as you don’t give up then you’re heading in the right direction.

The holidays can be exhilarating or exhausting; they can be exciting or overwhelming; maybe a mix of all of them. Trust your intuition as you identify what will be best for you. Consider ways to plan ahead, ask for help when you need it, and take care of yourself. Above all, you are absolutely worth the effort, so don’t give up.

Handling the Holidays: Tips for Supporters

It can be hard to see someone you love struggle. It can also be hard to know what to say and how to help when that person is a survivor who has disclosed their abuse to you. There are countless ways that you can be a great supporter, but in our guide below we cover five of the biggest ones. Download the PDF and read on for our tips for making this holiday a happy and healthy one for the survivor in your life and you.

Download PDF

Listen to what they need

Too often when someone comes to us with a problem, we want to fix it or make it better. Sometimes that means that we’re jumping to solutions too quickly. Or, out of a desire to spare them the stress of talking about it, we interrupt or try to change the subject. Put those impulses aside and really listen to what they’re saying. Let them tell you what they need.

Create a Safe space

When a survivor is experiencing a trigger or is overwhelmed by their emotions, feeling safe can be the first step in helping them. Work with them to create a safe space (either literally or figuratively, depending on where you are) that will allow them to work through what they’re feeling. During a party or gathering this could mean taking them to a different room, talking to them on the phone, or stepping in to help them escape or navigate a conversation. Talk to them about what you can do to create a safe space for them.

Be a Buffer

Holiday parties or family events can be crowded, noisy, or environments where potentially difficult conversation topics arise, all of which can be very challenging for anyone to handle. However, when you are a survivor these same situations may become unbearable. Talk to your survivor about topics or people where they would like you to help out or intervene. Make a plan for how you can support them if that topic arises or that person tries to talk to them. While your first instinct may be to step in and protect, allow the survivor to call the shots. You are there to empower them to handle the situation, not fix it for them. Your behavior may also serve as an example to others and encourage them to adopt similar behaviors.

Encourage self-care

When emotions are high and stressors seem to be coming at them from every side, remind your loved one to take a minute for themselves. Encourage them to practice self-care regularly. Figure out the ways that help them decompress or recharge and try to make those possible for them as often as you can. Continue to listen and be sympathetic to the stressors and holiday busyness that the survivor is trying to navigate. Sometimes it may be especially helpful to encourage your loved one to accomplish a specific number of things on their to-do list, and then to follow that with a self-care break. It’s important to remember that your loved one doesn’t want to feel broken or incapable, and they may feel like ignoring the things they need to do will also backfire. You can remind the survivor how important balance is and that it’s especially important at this busy time of year.

Take care of yourself

Have you ever heard the adage: you can’t pour from an empty cup? It means that you can’t take care of someone else (or fill their cup) when you’re running on empty. Take time to check in with yourself and make sure that you prioritize your own self-care. You and your loved one both benefit when your needs are met before you feel burned out, defeated, or resentful. This is a critical time to practice being kind to yourself. There may be times where you’ll wish you could do more for your survivor, but know that you are a blessing in your loved one’s life and your efforts to provide support and safety is evidence of the good you are doing. (And reminding yourself of this would be a fantastic affirmation.)

Your Efforts Can Make a Difference

For many, the holidays are a wonderful time of the year filled with traditions and good food and the joy of being with the people you love. If a survivor you love is struggling, please know that you make a difference to them. You may not be able to get them to jump up and down with excitement, but you can help them look to this time of year with less dread and more hope. Sometimes letting them know that you’re there for them and they don’t have to go through it alone can make all the difference.

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Child Sexual Abuse Stigma and How to Combat It

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Child Sexual Abuse Stigma and How to Combat It

I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul.

On your healing journey, you may come across people who react to your experiences in inappropriate or even hurtful ways. These reactions, whether intentional or not, might make you feel self-conscious, embarrassed, or discouraged. They might make you feel judged or criticized. A painful reaction when you disclose your abuse may lead to a setback on your healing journey, causing you to question whether you should even continue sharing your story with others.

As harmful as certain reactions may be, stigmas about child sexual abuse do NOT define you or determine your journey as a survivor.

What is stigma and where does it come from?

“Stigma” is when a person or a group of people assign a negative connotation onto another person or group of people, based on a set of beliefs, perspectives, or biases.

There are many variables that can play into a person’s attitude towards child sexual abuse. A person may have their own trauma histories they haven’t resolved, they may be ignorant about how to properly respond, or they may have been influenced by other cultural myths. Even if someone’s reaction is well-meaning, it can still be misguided and ultimately leave you feeling disheartened or even triggered.

Feeling affected by someone’s reaction to your disclosure or by other messages in the media or popular culture does not make you weak, unsteady, or powerless. It doesn’t mean you are ill-equipped or have somehow regressed on your healing journey. The fact is you are strong, capable, and resilient. That you have survived, are here reading this, and are facing down your demons is proof of your courage and strength. You are a model of resilience and a powerful fighter as you choose to face and reconcile with the trauma you have endured.

But no matter where you’re at on your healing journey, the ignorance of others can still be painful. You may encounter this type of misinformation not only in reactions from others, but in social media posts, news coverage, public conversations, media portrayals, etc. These hurtful and triggering messages stem from stigmas that have surrounded sexual abuse for years. Such stigmas have led to outdated and misguided perceptions, or cultural myths. These cultural myths (“she was asking for it,” “men’s passions are uncontrollable,” “boys can’t be sexually abused”) and their problematic ripple effects were first addressed by sociologists and feminists in the 1970s. In 1975, multiple researchers theorized that cultural myths surrounding sexual abuse served to justify, downplay, and even perpetuate inappropriate aggression and toxic behaviors.1

These myths continue to influence our culture today. For example, they may reinforce certain barriers or biases in the justice system that increase the likelihood of survivors being disbelieved or perpetrators going unpunished. This misinformation might also contribute to an ignorant or dismissive response to a sexual abuse disclosure, a misguided Facebook post, a sensationalized news story about false allegations, or harmful portrayals of family relationships on a TV show.

One of the most damaging effects of sexual abuse stigmas is survivors being too afraid to disclose their abuse and seek help, largely due to the fear of how others will react.2 But if you share your story and your resilience, you will provide hope and encouragement to the silent survivor. Through your example, others will feel safe enough and emboldened enough to break their silence and seek help, no matter the criticism they may come across.

Of course, just because such stigmas still exist doesn’t mean everyone accepts or reinforces them. Thankfully, through the efforts of survivors, supporters of survivors, therapists, researchers, legislators, and support organizations, progress continues to be made as awareness and education about sexual abuse increases.

While faulty messages and misinformed opinions can be hurtful, there are ways you can combat them as you continue on your healing journey.

01

IF YOU ARE TRIGGERED, USE GROUNDING TECHNIQUES.

02

RECOGNIZE THAT ANOTHER'S HURTFUL REACTION IS ABOUT THEM, NOT YOU.

03

SEEK EMOTIONAL SUPPORT FROM THE ONES YOU TRUST.

04

JOURNAL ABOUT THE EXPERIENCE.

05

FIND OTHER PERSPECTIVES.

If you’re genuinely curious about a certain topic or point of view regarding sexual abuse, don’t be afraid to dig deeper. Seek out more information from reputable sources, like research studies, scholarly articles, or books by specialists in the field. You might also want to talk with your therapist or support group facilitator. It might even be helpful to ask your therapist about specific stigmas in order to better recognize them and their ripple effects. Being aware of certain stigmas or myths might also help you plan on how to respond when encountering them in the future. Equip yourself with as much knowledge as you need—whether for your own peace of mind, to educate others, or both.

06

DISTANCE YOURSELF FROM TOXIC ENVIRONMENTS.

07

REMEMBER THAT YOU ARE IN CONTROL OF YOUR OWN STORY.

Harmful words and reactions can sometimes wound or even trigger us. But they don’t define us or have the power to sway us from our journey. No matter the social stigmas or ignorant opinions out there, you get to choose your own story. You get to determine where it goes and how you want it to end. Writer Rebecca Scritchfield compares life’s experiences to a road trip. “You’re driving the car. You decide the speed, control the gas pedal and brakes, and choose the roads you take on your journey.”3 The assumptions, biases, and misconceptions of others might cause you to swerve or slow down. But they can never uproot the road. The negativity of others can’t impede you from living a life of hope and positivity.

Conclusion

Yes, stigmas surrounding child sexual abuse still exist. And they can perpetuate misinformation, outdated stereotypes, and misguided reactions. But what they can’t do is take away your courage, resilience, and strength. As disheartening as stigmatized and misguided views can be, they can’t silence your voice. The stigma surrounding sexual abuse is crumbling and will continue to crumble, one conversation at a time. And you have the power to make that happen.

About the author

Image

Breeann Allison

Research and Program Development Strategist
Breeann joined Saprea as an Education Coordinator at the end of 2018. She holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in English literature with a minor in editing from Brigham Young University. Currently she works as a member of the Research and Program Development Team and a co-teacher for the Saprea Healing Webinar. She is also the author of Saprea's Reclaim Hope Workbook and co-author of Why Do I Still Feel This Way: Changing Your Relationship with the Trauma of Child Sexual Abuse. She has worked in publishing for seven years, first as a curriculum developer at Gibbs Smith Education and then as an editor at FranklinCovey. On the side she enjoys writing mediocre fiction, spoiling her nieces and nephews, and defending the sacredness of the Oxford comma.

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8 Myths About Child Sexual Abuse

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8 Myths About Child Sexual Abuse

When myths about child sexual abuse are accepted as truth, survivors may be more likely to stay silent.

In order to break the silence and lower the risk of sexual abuse, you need to know the truth about sexual abuse. Below are eight myths that we should all work to dispel:

01

Sexual Abuse Always Includes Physical Contact

Sexual abuse includes non-physical contact as well. Perpetrators may expose children to pornography or participate in acts of voyeurism. These can potentially have the same long-term effects on a child as physical sexual abuse.

02

Sexual Abuse Only Happens to Girls

Even though abuse of boys is not discussed as often, 1 in 10 boys1 will be sexually abused before they are 18 years old. Your sons need your protection just like your daughters need it.

03

Stranger Danger is the Biggest Cause of Sexual Abuse

Many times, perpetrators are people we interact with on a regular basis. It has been reported that 80% of children who are sexually abused knew their abuser2. While stranger danger is a risk, it is by no means the biggest risk.

04

Sexual Abuse Only Occurs in White Vans or Dark Alleys

Sexual abuse can (and does) occur anywhere children are, including schools, churches, community centers, or at home. Sexual abuse can even take place online. This is why it is important to always be on alert and always have an ongoing dialogue about the risks of abuse with your children.

05

Sexual Abuse is Always Reported to Authorities

Due to the shame that accompanies this subject, many cases of sexual abuse go unreported. Fewer than 12% of cases are reported to the proper authorities. Much of this is due to the fact that perpetrators threaten harm in order to protect their abuse. Even worse, families often sweep it under the rug after the child comes forward, causing additional damage.

06

Sex Trafficking Doesn’t Happen in Your Community

Trafficking happens in every community. According to DoSomething.org, The majority of child sex trafrficking victims were trafficked by a family member and nearly 46% were trafficked by a parent or guardian3. The average age a child enters the sex trade in the U.S. is 12–17 years old4. It doesn’t matter how big or small the city you live in is; trafficking is taking place within your community.

07

Abuse is only perpetrated by adults.

In over half of cases, a child is sexually abused by another juvenile.5 Some children who engage in this behavior have been victims of sexual abuse themselves. Other factors may include exposure to sexually explicit material, witnessing sexual activity, or experiencing other forms of abuse. In some cases, the child is acting impulsively with no intent of causing harm. The sooner these behaviors are addressed, the sooner they will stop.

08

Sexual Abuse Will Happen and I Can’t Do Anything to Stop It 

Educated parents and caregivers can significantly reduce the likelihood of sexual abuse. Taking actions to stay informed about how to prevent, recognize, and respond to sexual abuse will help equip you with the tools you need to protect your children. Also, keeping an open dialogue with your children about healthy sexuality will help give your children the confidence they need to confide in you about this sensitive subject.

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6 Perpetrator Grooming Behaviors Every Parent Needs to Know

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6 Perpetrator Grooming Behaviors Every Parent Needs to Know

Understanding grooming behaviors and how grooming leads to child abuse is critical for protecting children. Perpetrators of child sexual abuse are not always scary men who lurk around playgrounds looking for opportunities. In fact, according to the Crimes Against Children Research Center, 80% of children who are sexually abused know their perpetrator. These perpetrators make calculated choices to groom children for abuse. By understanding how grooming operates, adults can more effectively intervene, respond, and protect children from harm.

What Is Grooming? Understanding the Grooming Process

Grooming is the methodical process an abuser uses to build trust with a young person, their caregivers, or even their community in order to prepare for abuse. The grooming process can happen gradually and often looks like a close relationship that others might mistake for mentorship, friendship, or special attention. It involves building trust while exploiting a child's vulnerability.

Australia’s National Office for Child Safety teaches that the intent of the grooming process is to:

  • gain access to the child or young person to perpetrate child sexual abuse,
  • obtain sexual material of the child or young person,
  • obtain the child or young person's trust and/or compliance,
  • maintain the child or young person's silence, and/or
  • avoid discovery of sexual abuse.

Sexual grooming is not always obvious, and it’s not commonly reported by children. Groomers often take advantage of a child’s vulnerability, such as low self-esteem or a need for belonging, and may situate themselves in a position of power or as a trusted figure in a young person’s life. They could be a staff member at your child’s school; they could be your child’s coach or music instructor; they could be at your church; they could be the nanny; they could be your very own family member.

Additionally, in today’s world, online grooming is increasingly common. Through social media and other digital platforms, perpetrators can form a special relationship with potential victims outside the view of parents and caretakers.

While this might be frightening to think about, understanding what grooming is and being aware of grooming patterns helps to strengthen your parenting intuition and lower the risk of your child being sexually abused.

Six Common Grooming Behaviors That Every Parent Needs to Know: Recognizing the Stages of Grooming

While perpetrators of sexual abuse come in all shapes and sizes, there are things that almost all perpetrators have in common: they often use certain behaviors to groom a child for abuse. These behaviors are methodical, subtle, gradual, and escalating (meaning they intensify as time goes by). We typically refer to these as grooming behaviors.
01
FORMING RELATIONSHIPS AND BUILDING TRUST

Perpetrators tend to be more interested in forming relationships with children than adults. They will single out one child as "special" and give him or her extra attention, time, and gifts as a way to form a bond between them. They will take a special interest in a child’s look and dress and may take excessive pictures of the child.

By cultivating a relationship with your child that focuses on learning about their interest, opinions, and concerns, you are better equipped to recognize inappropriate relationships in your child’s life.

02
TESTING BOUNDARIES

Perpetrators will try to test the boundaries of your child’s comfort levels. Sometimes they will tell off-colored or sexualized jokes to see how the child will respond. They may try to play sexualized games such as pants-ing, truth-or-dare, or strip games.

They will see how the child reacts when they enter a child’s room or normal places where children are expected to have privacy, such as the restroom. This boundary-testing is a red flag that groomers use to gauge whether they can escalate their grooming behaviors.

Perpetrators thrive in secrecy, and testing boundaries helps them know if they can continue without being caught.

03
TOUCH / PHYSICAL CONTACT

Perpetrators will test the boundaries of physical contact with your child. They usually begin with non-sexual touches such as high-fives and hugging. They may slowly progress to inappropriate touching such as accidentally grazing a private part of the body, just to see how the child will react. They may kiss or have the child sit on their lap.

What’s important to note is they will move from very innocent touching and progress to more sexual physical contact in order to test the reaction of the child. This gradual escalation of physical contact is a common feature of perpetrator behavior and grooming tactics, desensitizing the child to inappropriate touch.

By educating your children early on about their bodies, consent, and sex, they can be better equipped to recognize these inappropriate boundary-testing behaviors.

04
INTIMIDATING AND CONTROLLING

Perpetrators use intimidation in order to keep the child from telling another person about the abuse. They will begin by testing the child’s reaction to being blamed for something simple. They will see if the child pushes back or tells an adult. Then they will progress to threatening the child or causing a child to feel a sense of guilt and/or shame.

Groomers often use fear or embarrassment to keep a child from telling another person about the abuse. They may use statements such as, “No one will believe you,” or threaten them with danger (or danger to someone they love) to maintain control and silence.

By intentionally building a strong and healthy relationship with your child, you keep open the lines of communication. This kind of relationship gives children the opportunity to share what’s going on in their lives without fear.

05
SHARING SEXUALLY EXPLICIT MATERIAL

Perpetrators often share sexual content and sexualized material in order to normalize sexual activity and behavior. They will use sexual terms freely in the presence of your child. They may show sexualized pictures or videos and may often begin a sexualized relationship through messaging or texting first. Exposing children to sexual content is a form of desensitizing them to inappropriate topics and escalating towards abusive interactions.

By monitoring your child’s technology usage, you can be more aware of sexually explicit content they are sending or receiving.

06
COMMUNICATING SECRETLY
Perpetrators will look for any communication channel to communicate with a child secretly. These interactions may begin online through social media or private messaging platforms. They often encourage texting and messaging which can be easily hidden from others. Remember perpetrators thrive in secrecy, so they will likely encourage the child to keep interactions secret—this is a major red flag.

Examples of Grooming Behavior

Safe Kids Thrive describe perpetrators of child sexual abuse as active decision-makers. Groomers continuously evaluate the likelihood of successfully committing this crime while balancing the odds against the possibility of being caught. Below is a list of some additional examples of grooming behaviors and warning signs to look out for:
Groomers May:
  • Frequently seek alone time with the child, especially in places that are not easily monitored.
  • Prefer the company of the child to adults.
  • Secretly connect with the child online through social media or gaming platforms.
  • Create opportunities to be alone with the child outside their designated role (for example, as a teacher, coach, etc.).
  • Try to integrate themselves into the family’s life.
  • “Accidentally” expose themselves to the child.
  • Allow or encourage a child to do things that parents do not permit.
  • Use excessive physical touching with the child—hugging, kissing, tickling, holding—even when the child does not ask for it.
  • Demonstrate a great deal of interest in the child’s sexual development.
  • Lack respect for the child’s privacy and personal boundaries.
  • Use flattery to build trust and closeness.
  • Encourage inappropriate conversations around sexual topics.
  • Use sexual jokes or language or “accidentally” expose the child to pornography or other sexual content.
  • Give the child gifts without permission of caretakers and demand secrecy around these gifts.
  • Minimize concerns about how they are interacting with the child.

Family Member and Community Grooming

One of the most misunderstood aspects of grooming is that it doesn’t always just target a child—it can include grooming family, friends, and even the broader community. Groomers are skilled manipulators who know that gaining the trust of a child’s support network can help them avoid suspicion and maintain access. They may go out of their way to appear helpful, generous, or charming to parents and caregivers, often positioning themselves as trustworthy figures or even role models.

For instance, a groomer may:

  • Offer to babysit for the family or provide childcare.
  • Give gifts to the family.
  • Become deeply involved in a family’s life.
  • Volunteer in local youth serving organizations.
  • Offer rides to children.
  • Host sleepovers at their house.
  • Always show up to community events (i.e. birthday parties, schools plays, etc.).
  • Offer special attention or help to a single parent.

These types of calculated behaviors can make it much harder for adults to see the warning signs or believe a child if they raise concerns.

In some cases, groomers will slowly isolate the child by creating a sense of dependency or secrecy, all while building strong, positive relationships with the people around them. Their high visibility within families and communities can make it difficult for parents to question their intentions. This dual manipulation—appearing trustworthy to adults while targeting a child in private—is exactly what makes grooming so dangerous and difficult to detect. It's important for parents and caregivers to stay alert, trust their instincts, and remember that abuse can happen even in environments that feel safe.

What Should I Do If a Child Tells Me They’re Being Groomed?

If a child tells you they think they’re being groomed or abused, your response in that moment is critical. The National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children (NSPCC) recommends listening closely, reassuring them that they did the right thing by speaking up, telling them it’s not their fault, and explaining to them what you’re going to do next. Children who disclose grooming or abuse are often scared, confused, or unsure of what’s happening, so your job is to believe them without judgment and make sure they feel safe.

Let the Child Lead the Conversation

Let them talk at their own pace. Avoid asking leading questions, and don’t push for details they aren’t ready to share. Instead, offer affirmations like, “Thank you for telling me,” or “You’re very brave for saying this.” Your priority is to create a space where your child feels protected and heard.

Parent Tip: Create a calm environment before you respond. Your tone and body language should show that you’re listening and that your child is safe to open up.

Don't Dismiss Their Concerns

Some parents and caregivers may instinctively downplay a child’s concerns—especially when the adult in question is someone respected, like a coach, religious leader, or mentor. It’s natural to want to believe that trusted figures are always safe, but this assumption can be dangerous. Grooming often happens in plain sight, and abusers frequently position themselves in roles that give them access to children and the trust of families. Dismissing a child's discomfort or concerns not only silences them but also creates space for abuse to continue. Always take a child’s words seriously. Believing them is the first step toward protecting them.

Report Your Concerns to Local Authorities or Child Protection Services

If you believe a child is being groomed, is at risk of abuse, or is being abused, it’s critical to report your concerns immediately to local authorities or child protection services. Even if you’re unsure, reporting allows professionals to investigate and take steps to keep the child safe. Every state and country has specific laws about reporting suspected abuse. In the United States, you can contact:

  • Local law enforcement (dial 911 if a child is in immediate danger)
  • Child Protective Services (CPS) in your area
  • The Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline at 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453) for free, confidential support
 

If you live outside the U.S., reach out to your country’s child protection agency or emergency services for guidance.

A Disclaimer

It is common to read about these grooming behaviors and identify people who do some of these things, but that doesn’t automatically make them a perpetrator. The goal of talking and being informed about these grooming behaviors is to strengthen your intuition and help you be on alert.

With that said, if you ever see these behaviors and feel like something is wrong, you can use a strategy we call “confronting with kindness” to help protect your child. Confronting with kindness includes only two steps:

  1. Pull the person aside and explain the boundaries you have established for your child and why you have them, and
  2. Ask them to support you in those boundaries.

If the individual did the behavior innocently, they will likely be very apologetic and in the future keep those boundaries. If the individual is, in fact, a perpetrator, they will be put on high alert, and it is rare that they would continue to groom your child. If perpetrators know you are watching, they will usually stop targeting your child.

The number one thing to remember is that you are responsible to stay informed and take an active part in your child’s life.

You can do this. The simple actions you take to stay informed can be the very things that protect your child from danger.

Frequently Asked Questions About Grooming

Grooming is a deliberate process used by offenders to gain the trust of a child—and often their caregivers—with the goal of committing abuse. Because it can appear caring or innocent at first, grooming can be difficult to detect. This FAQ answers common questions about what grooming looks like, how it happens (both in person and online), and what steps you can take to protect children and seek help if you suspect it has occurred.

Explore Additional Resources

Around the world, many organizations are dedicated to preventing child sexual abuse, raising awareness about grooming behaviors, and supporting survivors and families. The following resources highlight some of the impactful efforts being made through research, education, advocacy, and community engagement. Each organization contributes valuable tools and insights that complement Saprea’s mission to empower individuals and protect children from sexual abuse.

Australia’s National Office for Child Safety

Australia’s National Office for Child Safety leads the development and implementation of its nation’s priorities aimed at preventing and responding to child sexual abuse. The office also monitors and evaluates progress of related initiatives, engages stakeholder and advisory groups, and provides guidance on reporting, media practices, and minimum practice standards for organizations and services dealing with child sexual abuse. Using their resources, you can explore a high-quality combination of statistics and practical implications of wide-ranging research around child sexual abuse. Saprea applauds when government resources are effectively marshalled to advance research around the issue of child sexual abuse.

Safe Kids Thrive

Safe Kids Thrive is a Massachusetts-based initiative that supports youth serving organizations (YSOs) in preventing child sexual abuse by providing evidence based resources, guidelines, and tools. It aims to equip adults and organizations—such as schools, sports clubs, arts programs, and child & family services—with policies, training, and implementation strategies to protect children from harm. Their work includes developing prevention and intervention plans, recommending oversight procedures, fostering public awareness, and providing a “prevention check” tool to help organizations evaluate their safety practices. Safe Kids Thrive is a premier example of how YSO’s can take action to reduce the risk of abuse while still accomplishing their organization’s purpose.

National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children (NSPCC)

National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children (NSPCC) is dedicated to preventing abuse and supporting children and families affected by it. What distinguishes the NSPCC is how they provide direct services such as therapy, counseling, and support for at-risk children and work with schools to educate children about staying safe. They also advocate for policy change, conduct research into child protection, and helps organizations improve their safeguarding practices.

Bravehearts

Bravehearts is an Australian-based non-profit that works to holistically empower and protect children. Their approach includes specifically educating children about personal safety, supporting survivors, and educating the community. Bravehearts also advocates for legislative reform, conducts research, and runs public awareness campaigns. This organization is a good example of a nonprofit which cultivates a strong combination of awareness and education initiatives.

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What to Do if You Suspect Your Child Has Been Sexually Abused

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Saprea > Blog > All Blogs > What to Do if You Suspect Your Child Has Been Sexually Abused

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What to Do if You Suspect Your Child Has Been Sexually Abused

Perhaps you’ve noticed a few of the physical or behavioral signs of sexual abuse in your child or a child you are close to. What now?

Most governments have clear laws on what you should do if you suspect child abuse. Learn your local laws so you know the steps to take and the order in which to do them.

But, more immediately, how should you respond and what should you say to your child? Here are eight things that can help you respond to the situation after you’ve recognized the signs.

01

TREAD CAREFULLY

The child may feel ashamed, embarrassed, or even fearful when it comes to discussing the situation. Make sure that you’re being sensitive to how the child is feeling as you talk to them.

02

RESPOND, DON’T REACT

In addition to the child’s emotions, you need to make sure to be aware of your own. Anger at the perpetrator could be misconstrued by the child as anger at them. It’s important to keep your emotions in check and respond in a controlled and kind way. This will help establish or keep trust with the child.

03

LISTEN

You may want to know every detail about the situation, but don’t interview the child. Take the time to actively listen. Let them tell you what they want, how they want, and in whatever order they want. There will be plenty of time for learning the details later.

04

LET THEM KNOW THEY’RE SAFE

Eighty percent of sexual abusers are persons the child knows, and it could be someone that they trusted. Go out of your way to make the child realize that they are safe with you and safe to open up to you.

05

VALIDATE THEIR FEELINGS

Whatever they are feeling is completely valid for the situation, even if that “feeling” is numbness. Let them know that their feelings are important and don’t brush aside feelings of shame they may have. Discounting any of their feelings may do more harm than good in the long run.

06

Don't force it

A child may not be ready to talk. They may not be ready to show you where they’re hurting. Don’t push it. Sometimes the best help is letting them know that you know and that you’re there when they’re ready.

07

IT’S NOT THEIR FAULT

This may seem obvious to you, but not to them. It’s common for children to blame themselves for part or all of the abuse. Reassure them that it is not their fault and they are not responsible for what their abuser did.

08

SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELP

Sexual abuse can affect the entire family and the family dynamic. A therapist will not only facilitate the necessary steps for the child to have a healthy recovery, but can help the family begin to heal as well.

You may feel overwhelmed with your responsibility in this situation, but recognize that you are helping your child, do your best, and get the help necessary. You’re their parent, guardian, or trusted adult. What you do can, and will, make a huge difference in helping them reclaim hope and manage their recovery.

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Sexual Arousal During Abuse and the Shame of the Survivor

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Sexual Arousal During Abuse and the Shame of the Survivor

Think about the last time you sat down to eat. Maybe you finally managed to sneak a lunch break at work. Or maybe you got home for the day and had a nice family dinner. After you got done eating, you probably decided whether or not it was a good time for your body to digest your food, right? You thought to yourself, “I think I’d rather digest my food later. I just don’t have time right now, so I’ll put it off.” Wait, that’s not what happened?

Why? Because your body does lots of things automatically, without any thought from you. When you eat, your body immediately starts digesting your food, giving you nutrition and energy. It’s a natural, physiological process.

Sexual Arousal Is a Natural Process

The same thing is true of sexual arousal: it’s a natural process in our bodies. Ellen Bass and Laura Davis explain, “Our bodies are created to respond to stimulation. When they are touched sexually, our whole physiology is designed to give us pleasure. These are natural bodily reactions over which we do not have control.”1

Yet survivors still feel shame and guilt if they experienced sexual arousal during abuse, and that shame can have an impact on current relationships and experiences. For example, one survivor said:

I remember times when I became sexually excited during the abuse. Afterwards, I’d feel so upset, ashamed, and disgusted with myself . . . Now when I become sexually excited with my husband, I’ll freeze as if to stop myself from having any pleasure during sex.2

Abuse can create confusing and conflicted reactions for survivors. On one hand, you wanted to scream out and make the abuse stop. On the other hand, your body possibly experienced pleasurable sensations.

There Is No Shame in a Natural Response

You should know this: If you experienced sexual arousal or pleasure during your abuse, it doesn’t mean that you consented to or enjoyed what happened. You didn’t encourage the abuse to continue. And it doesn’t mean that sexual pleasure is bad. Put simply, if you experienced arousal or orgasm, it means your body did what bodies are supposed to do. Another survivor commented, “I had to realize I didn’t get off because I liked it . . . My body responded to touch. That was all.”1

Sex, intimacy, trust, and betrayal are connected in complicated and confusing ways for survivors. Untangling those connections will take time and work, but find comfort in knowing that the natural responses of your body are just that—natural. You don’t feel shame that your body digests food without your permission, and there’s nothing shameful about any of the other natural things that your body does.

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