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How to Manage Your Triggers in the Digital Era

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How to Manage Your Triggers in the Digital Era

Guest blog post written by Taylor Street

We live in the age of information. Access to scientific findings, economic data, and expert knowledge on any subject we’re curious about is literally at our fingertips. Answers to just about any question we can think of are rarely more than a few clicks away.

But, living in a world where we are surrounded by the technology that connects us to all that information has its shortcomings. At any given moment, your phone is probably never more than a few feet away from you, buzzing every few minutes with emails, text messages, and social media notifications. Chances are, at least some of your day-to-day work responsibilities revolve around a computer. And, if you’re like most people, you have at least one television—if not multiple—in your home.

The challenge this poses to a survivor of child sexual abuse is that the risk of encountering something triggering can be extremely high. You might be scrolling through Instagram when you see a photo that reminds you of someone involved in your abuse. Or, you might be watching your favorite TV show when a commercial for the evening news reports yet another celebrity has been accused of sexual misconduct.

Because society will probably only become more inundated with technology—and because conversations around sexual violence will continue making headlines—it’s important that you learn to recognize and manage these triggers. Ignoring them could impact your healing journey and might also affect your ability to function in certain settings.

What is a Trigger?

In recent years, the word “triggered” has become synonymous in pop culture with being overly sensitive, or with the inability to take a joke. Neither of these uses are true or accurate.

In reality, a trigger is an instance when you become physically and/or emotionally reactive to certain sights, sounds, or smells related in some way to the trauma you experienced. These symptoms and feelings are part of your brain’s natural response to unsafe experiences from the past. Your reaction to triggers does not define who you are. Your ability to “control” them does not put a limit on your healing or growth.

What Does “Being Triggered” Actually FEEL Like?

Everyone experiences triggers differently, but like we mentioned above, triggers generally produce some sort of negative physical and/or emotional response.

Physical responses to a trigger might include:

  • Increased heart rate
  • Muscle tension
  • Sweating
  • Trembling
  • Chills or hot flashes
  • Dizziness or nausea
  • Chest pain or tightness
  • Difficulty breathing and/or hyperventilating
  • Tunnel vision or an inability to focus

If you’ve ever had a panic attack, you may notice that some of the physical responses listed above are very similar to what you might experience during a panic attack. It’s important to keep in mind that being triggered can lead to a panic attack, but not always. Additionally, not all panic attacks are caused by feeling triggered. If you’re interested in learning more about panic attacks, check out this Tip Tuesday.

Emotional responses to a trigger might include feelings of:

  • Sadness
  • Anger
  • Fear or mistrust
  • Irritability, or a desire to lash out at others
  • Loneliness, detachment, or a desire to isolate yourself
  • Confusion

Additionally, encountering a trigger can cause your body to go into fight/flight/freeze mode, which might make you feel like you’re experiencing aspects of your abuse all over again. In these instances, the frontal lobe—or “logical” part of your brain that helps with decision making and impulse control—has drastically reduced its activity and the limbic system has taken over. The limbic system—or “primitive brain”—is subconsciously responsible for survival and avoiding pain. It’s where those strong physical and emotional responses originate. To learn more about the different roles your frontal lobe and limbic system play in your healing journey, click here.

How to Identify Things That Trigger You

Identifying triggers in the moment can be difficult—because your limbic system is in the driver’s seat, you probably won’t have time to logically think through what could be causing your discomfort or why. But, reflecting on the experience after you’ve calmed down can help you identify specific triggers.

Here are two tools some survivors find helpful when reflecting on their triggering experiences:

EXPRESSIVE WRITING

Writing is one of the simplest ways to address and process feelings associated with the trauma of your past. This is sometimes called expressive writing, and has quite a lot of research to back up the claim that it’s helpful for survivors. As you think and write about the triggering experience, keep the following situations and questions in mind:

  • You’ve noticed that negative emotions often arise when you watch television. Is there a specific program or type of program that bothers you? Are there specific topics that you find uncomfortable to read about or listen to? How do you respond when the negative emotions arise? Does one of the characters bother you in some way?
  • A loved one shares some type of personal news on Facebook. You want to respond positively, but you can’t help but feel sad or angry. What is the news about? A job promotion? A new relationship? A plan to move to new place? What emotions arose when you read the news? How did your body feel? Are you actually sad or angry about the news or about a memory the news brought up?
  • A group text with friends or family members made you feel nervous and uncomfortable, but you’re not sure why. What was the topic of the conversation? What was the tone of the conversation? Where were you when you were engaging in the text chain? Did someone say something specific that upset you? Who were the people involved in the conversation?

WHEEL OF EMOTIONS

Another tool that many survivors of child sexual abuse find helpful is our emotion wheel. It helps simplify complex feelings and can help you better understand the emotion (or emotions) you’re experiencing. Understanding is an integral step in solving any problem or dilemma—once you understand the emotions that arose when you felt triggered, you can take steps to ease those emotions.

Saprea's emotion wheel, a list of basic emotions surrounded by more specific emotions that fall under a base emotion.

To use the emotion wheel, first think about an experience in which you felt triggered. Start by using the middle of the wheel to identify the core emotion you felt during the experience. Were you angry? Afraid? Sad? Numb?

From there, move to the outer part of the wheel and look at the feelings associated with that emotion. Don’t necessarily look for an emotion. Rather, take note of which ones resonate with you.

Repeat this process several times as you think about various triggering experiences. As you do so, take note of patterns. Are there specific emotions you feel when a triggering experience involves social media? Do you generally feel the same way in all triggering experiences or do the emotions vary depending on the situation?

Because coping with feelings of aggression often requires different tactics than coping with feelings of insecurity, understanding these patterns is critical to the healing process. Once you have an idea of how your emotions typically respond to triggers, you can make plans to cope with those triggers.

How to Cope with Triggers Through Planning and Practice

One of the most challenging aspects of healing from the trauma of child sexual abuse is learning to manage triggers. Because triggers evoke an automatic (often involuntary) response, some survivors find it helpful to make a plan of how they want to manage triggers when they arise. Once you’ve made a plan, you can practice your planned responses so that they come more naturally when you encounter an unexpected trigger.

Below, we’ll go through several types of activities and grounding exercises you can do to combat triggers. We encourage you to try these when you feel calm to not only build your coping abilities, but to also determine which exercises are most helpful for you.

GROUND YOURSELF IN 5-4-3-2-1

Many survivors use grounding exercises to help them de-stress during moments of extreme emotions, dissociations, or flashbacks.

Try this simple, sensory-driven grounding exercise to root yourself in the present moment:

  • Name 5 things you can see.
  • Name 4 things you can feel.
  • Name 3 things you can hear.
  • Name 2 things you can smell.
  • Name 1 thing you can taste.

If you find this exercise helpful and are interested in printables that you can carry with you or hang on your wall, click here.

BREATHE YOUR WAY TO BALANCED EMOTIONS

Breathing is a wonderful grounding technique because you can do it anywhere, at any time, with no supplies or equipment. Intentional, mindful breathing increases the brain’s serotonin levels, which in turn helps calm the mind, balance emotions, and nourish the body.

To practice mindful breathing, follow these steps:

  1. Sit in a comfortable position either in a chair or on the floor.
  2. Inhale through your nose, counting to five as you do so.
  3. Hold your breath and count to seven.
  4. Slowly exhale through your nose, counting to nine as you do so.
  5. Repeat until your heart rate has calmed and you feel more at ease.

Struggling to get control of your breath? Focus on exhaling. That can help kick-start the deep breathing that you need.

DE-STRESS WITH A BUTTERFLY HUG

The butterfly hug—sometimes referred to as the “self-love hug”—is a simple self-soothing technique you can use any time you’re feeling stressed, anxious, or triggered.

This exercise is simple:

  • First, get in a comfortable position, either sitting or lying down.
  • Then, cross your arms over your chest and rest the tips of your fingers on your collarbone, shoulders, or arms.
  • Next, gently tap your arms, alternating sides. As you do so, breathe in and out. Tap for as long as you need to.
  • When it feels right, rest your hands and let your attention come back to the present moment.

For a video tutorial of the butterfly hug, click here.

CREATE A CRISIS CARD

A crisis card is a helpful tool that can come in handy when you’re feeling triggered. Creating one ahead of time will help you plan the actions you can take, people you can call, and positive sayings you can repeat to yourself in a moment of emotional turmoil.

Follow the steps below to create your own crisis card, or click here for a crisis card template that you can complete on your computer and then print at home.

  1. Find a pen and small sheet of paper or note card—we recommend using a sheet about 3×5” that can easily fit in a purse or wallet.
  2. List three things you can do when you’re in an emotional crisis (i.e. mindful breathing, focusing on your senses, going for a walk, etc.).
  3. List three people you can call during these difficult moments (i.e. a friend, family member, significant other, therapist, etc.).
  4. Write down short answers to the following questions:
    1. What do you need from others in this moment?
    2. What is one thing the person who call CAN do for you?
    3. What is one thing the person who call should AVOID doing?
  5. Write a positive statement about yourself that you know has the power to lift you up.

Managing triggers is challenging, and unfortunately, a world filled with technology that could send you into a spiral at any given moment doesn’t make survivors’ lives any easier. But, through thoughtful self-reflection and careful planning, you can learn to recognize and interrupt triggers as they arise.

There Is Hope After Sibling Sexual Abuse

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There Is Hope After Sibling Sexual Abuse

“Vista Balboa Crisis Center, this is Katie. How can I help you today?”

I hadn’t been expecting this particular phone call one sunny Thursday afternoon while working my shift at a crisis center. Although I had heard many stories from adults who had been traumatized as children, the depth of pain I felt from the person on the other end of the line was especially heartbreaking. They had experienced severe sibling sexual abuse, and this was the first time in over 30 years they had disclosed it to anyone.

As we talked about this person’s experiences, they expressed deep confusion and shame toward the abuse, toward their sibling, and especially toward themselves. They hesitantly described how they had opposite, conflicting, and confusing feelings toward the abuse as well as toward their sibling. When this person learned later in their childhood that it was taboo to have sexual contact with a sibling, they felt like they were responsible for what happened. This had kept them from seeking help over the long, lonely years since their childhood. In those years, they continually struggled with issues of power and balance in their relationships and had immense difficulty trusting others. In over 30 years, they had never had a close relationship.

A very little key will open a very heavy door.

—Charles Dickens

If you have experienced sibling sexual abuse, you are not alone.

While there are many practical resources you can use to heal from sibling sexual abuse, realizing that you are not alone and that your experiences are valid can be important first steps for many survivors. In this blog post I hope to walk alongside you for a few of those steps by sharing with you some common experiences of survivors of sibling sexual abuse.

Ambivalence

Experiencing ambivalence, or conflicting feelings toward someone or something, is a common experience for survivors of child sexual abuse—especially for those who have experienced abuse by a sibling. Just as the weather can be rainy and sunny at the same time, people are capable of experiencing multiple feelings at the same time—even some that may seem opposite, like love and hate.

These emotions can feel confusing or isolating. For many, these contradictory feelings may lead to additional feelings of guilt if they have any positive feelings about the abuse or toward their sibling(s). Deja,* for example, wanted desperately for her step-brother to like her, causing her to readily comply with his abusive and humiliating requests. As an adult Deja feels angry and betrayed by her step-brother and his harmful actions. On the other hand, she still desires his approval and struggles with feeling the abuse was her fault because she had complied and never asked to stop. Deja’s ambivalence toward her brother and sense of self-doubt made it difficult for her to seek support or talk about the abuse to anyone for many years.

Some survivors experience this ambivalence toward their parents or other caregivers, sometimes more so than toward their sibling(s). Although sibling sexual abuse can happen in families with attentive and loving parents, many survivors struggle with feelings toward parents who may have been absent, were busy with their own relationship issues, favored some siblings over others, or responded poorly when the abuse came to light. Research has shown that even typical parents may struggle to intervene appropriately when abuse occurs between their children due to the complex nature of the issue and also because both children typically need help. When there is a lack of appropriate action, it can create layers of resentment or pain for the child being harmed.1

Charlie’s* parents, for instance, were amazing examples of love and support for most of her life, but then swept Charlie’s abuse under the rug when they felt it would cause too much disruption in the family. As a result, Charlie feels both loved and unloved by her family, and the ambivalence leaves her uncertain how to interact with her family.

Because of how the human body automatically responds to certain sensations or scenarios, many survivors may feel confused by how their body may have responded to the abuse, and as an adult may still experience sexual thoughts or fantasies related to those experiences. This can lead to a conflicted relationship with physical intimacy as well as feelings of shame. Some survivors also feel that because their body responded positively to the sexual touch, they must have liked or deserved the abuse, when in reality no one deserves to be abused.

If you have experienced conflicting or ambivalent feelings about your abuse, your sibling, your family, or even yourself, you aren’t alone. You are neither good nor bad for having the feelings or responses that you have, and these feelings and responses don’t define who you are. You can explore more about your feelings here, and speaking with a trained therapist can help you further understand and work through your experience.

Power and Control

Sibling sexual abuse often progresses over time. What may start out as non-abusive play in some situations can escalate into abuse, especially if coercion, power, or force become defining features. John’s* sexual abuse by his older brother typically came after his brother was in trouble with his parents and was the way his brother regained control. As an adult, John makes sure he is the one with power and control in all of his relationships and gets easily frustrated when he feels out of control. Secretly, John feels deep shame, embarrassment, and loss about his childhood and the relationship with his brother he wished he could have had instead of the one he did have.

Because of the nature of sibling sexual abuse, it’s common for blame to be unjustly shifted to the survivor. Some survivors are made to believe by the sibling (or others) that it was their fault or that, as mentioned before, because their body responded or because they complied, that they must have made it happen. Andrea’s* abuse, similar to John’s, involved control and manipulation by her sibling who also made Andrea believe that she was to blame. In contrast to John, Andrea finds herself in a passive role in her adult relationships, even in moments when she tries to be assertive. Her feeling of powerlessness often becomes immobilizing during intimate moments with her partner. Again, similar to John, she secretly feels deep shame, embarrassment, and loss about her childhood.

If you struggle with power and control in your relationships or other aspects of your life, you are not alone. Your real power lies within, and you have the ability to heal. You deserve to have balanced and safe relationships with those around you. You can explore more about relationships here, and can further develop relational skills with a licensed therapist who specializes in relationship issues.

Trust and Hope

Imagine that each time you try to open a certain door in your house, it jams. So you start to use a different door and eventually stop using the door that jams altogether. Having your trust broken is similar to the jammed door. Over time, you may learn to never trust the person or institution again.

The trust that is broken in the course of trauma—whether it’s the abuse itself, the responses of others, or your belief in yourself—can feel as if every door in your house is jammed and no one can be trusted. You may feel stuck, powerless, or hopeless that the future will be any different.

These feelings make absolute sense given the experiences you have had. You adapted to your situation, and distrust can be wonderfully helpful in protecting you in many instances where someone may harm you, at least in some circumstances. Being vulnerable would mean opening yourself up to the possibility of being hurt. However, being vulnerable also means opening yourself up to experiencing love, joy, and healing.

Hope is being able to see that there is light despite all of the darkness

—Desmond Tutu

Interestingly, the word hope first meant trust. With time, the definition of hope has extended to mean to expect with confidence, and, my personal favorite, to cherish a desire with anticipation.2

Cherish hope. Cherish healing. Trust there are doors waiting to be opened to you that lead to safety, healing, and growth. If you are seeking hope, you are not alone.3

We're never so vulnerable than when we trust someone—but paradoxically, if we cannot trust, neither can we find love or joy.

—Walter Anderson

*Names have been changed.

If you are in crisis, or would simply like to talk to someone, you can call (U.S.) 1-800-273-8255 to speak with a trained crisis worker.

You can also text HOME to 741741 to text with a trained counselor. (Canada: text 686868. UK: text 85258).

Kintsugi: The Value of a Broken Bowl

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Kintsugi: The Value of a Broken Bowl

The Legend of Kintsugi

A Japanese legend tells the story of a mighty shogun warrior who broke his favorite tea bowl and sent it away for repairs. When he received it back, the bowl was held together by unsightly metal staples. Although he could still use it, the shogun was disappointed. Still hoping to restore his beloved bowl to its former beauty, he asked a craftsman to find a more elegant solution.

The craftsman wanted to try a new technique, something that would add to the beauty of the bowl as well as repair it. So, he mended every crack in the bowl with a lacquer resin mixed with gold. When the tea bowl was returned to the shogun, there were streaks of gold running through it, telling its story, and—the warrior thought—adding to its value and beauty. This method of repair became known as kintsugi.

Kintsugi, which roughly translates to “golden joinery,” is the Japanese philosophy that the value of an object is not in its beauty, but in its imperfections, and that these imperfections are something to celebrate, not hide.

For a beautiful illustration of kintsugi, watch the video below:

Just like the kintsugi bowl, I am being restored.
—Janet, past participant at the Saprea Retreat

Kintsugi and You

That’s a nice story, you may be thinking, but what does it have to do with me? Imagine that your life is like a ceramic bowl. When good things happen, it’s like the bowl is being polished. And when bad things happen, it’s like the bowl is being dinged or scratched. Something like child sexual abuse could create significant cracks. The resulting trauma may even have left you feeling that your bowl had been broken into pieces. You repaired it as best you could, and, like the metal staples, maybe the ways you coped allowed you to be functional, but not utilizing your full potential. With kintsugi, every step you make toward healing is like gluing those pieces back together with gold. You feel more whole and complete.

Although the trauma in your past cannot be changed, it can be managed in ways where it no longer dominates your life. You may carry deep wounds that need validation and healing in order for you to move forward. With proper education, tools, and support, it’s not only possible but probable that you will be able to live a positive, productive, and empowered life. As you learn about how the brain responds to the trauma of your childhood, you can begin the process of putting the broken pieces back together.

It gave me the opportunity to see myself in a completely different light... flawed and broken but not destroyed.
—Sareta, Survivor
Image

The Saprea Retreat and Kintsugi

When participants arrive at the Saprea Retreat, one of the first activities that they participate in is our version of kintsugi. They take a ceramic bowl and break it. Then they take the pieces and carefully glue them back together using glue mixed with gold-colored powder. It takes some patience, a little bit of practice, and the willingness to try over and over again to fit the pieces back together. This can be an incredibly impactful activity for a survivor and serves as a great way to begin or continue a healing journey.

As a metaphor, kintsugi takes on a different meaning for each survivor who participates in the activity. In some cases the bowl may represent their childhood. Others may feel that the pieces represent their broken trust. The ways kintsugi can apply to your healing journey is as individual as each survivor. Take this opportunity to think about what the metaphor of kintsugi can mean for you and where you currently are in your healing journey.

The activity that put a lot into perspective for me was the kintsugi project. It showed me that what was once broken can be mended and become something even more beautiful.

—Stephanie, past participant at the Saprea Retreat

Your Real-Life Kintsugi

Here at Saprea we understand that your experiences may be difficult to acknowledge or talk about because of the shame and stigma that often surrounds sexual abuse. There can be a lot of reasons to put off addressing your trauma and pursuing the healing that you deserve, but if you don’t face your past, you risk being held hostage by it.

Your wounds and healing are part of your history—a part of who you are. No matter what breaks you’ve experienced, your journey is beautiful. We don’t celebrate that you were abused, but we absolutely celebrate the wonderful person you are and will continue to become as you create your real-life version of kintsugi.

The above quotations came from actual survivors on our Faces of Survivors page where survivors share the experiences of their healing journey. To submit your own survivor story, go here.

How to Handle the Holidays as a Survivor

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How to Handle the Holidays as a Survivor

The Holidays can be Difficult

The twinkling lights and smell of pine. Soft scarves and warm food. Music and laughter. The hustle and bustle of the holidays can be fun and exciting. Sometimes though the holiday season can present overwhelming emotions and triggering moments. Holidays and family get-togethers can be trying for anyone, but for survivors of child sexual abuse they can be even more difficult, especially if your family is tied to your abuse in some way. It could be that they didn’t believe you, that they didn’t stop it, that they don’t support you in getting help, or that the person who perpetrated your abuse is in your family. For some survivors, the holidays represent the frightening possibility of being in the same room as the person who abused them.

So, as a survivor, how can you handle the holidays? Or, if you’re someone who loves and supports a survivor, what can you do to make the experience less stressful for them? Whether you’re a survivor or a supporter, you’ll find tools below that can help you traverse this time of year with safety and, hopefully, end up feeling more peace and less dread than you have in the past.

If you’re a survivor, keep reading; everything you need is right below. If you’re a supporter, we have suggestions tailored specifically to you here that can help you understand the ways that you can provide encouragement and safety for the survivor you care about.

Handling the Holidays: Tips for Survivors

As you decide what tools to add to your holiday survival kit, trust your intuition. If something feels right, try it. If something feels like it’s not for you, that’s okay. You can simply move on to the next thing. Some things may be easier if you “practice” them before a potentially triggering situation, especially grounding techniques, which are techniques that can help you focus on and stay in the present moment. For example, when you first learned how to tie your shoes it probably took a lot of thought, time, and concentration; now you can probably tie them without even looking. It may take a lot of energy the first few times you try a new technique (including asking for help), but you’ll improve your ability the more often you do it. The more you’ve practiced a technique, the more effective it will be in moments of distress.

Plan ahead

One of the best things that you can do for yourself before any event, party, or get-together is to plan ahead. We tried to make it easier for you by creating the guide below. We’ll walk you through each part of this resource step-by-step so you can get the most out of it.

Identify people who can help

There are a variety of ways to manage triggers, but one thing that can be especially helpful at a party or gathering is identifying a person or group of people who are safe and supportive. This could be someone attending the same event, like a family member or friend. It could also be someone you can call or text, like a therapist, if things start to feel overwhelming. Reach out to this supporter or supporters before the event and let them know that you might need them at that event or during that day and time.

Think about what you'll need from your supporter

When you reach out to let your supporters know that you might need their help, it can be a good idea to let them know a few things that you’ll think will be helpful. This will allow both of you to know what your expectations are. For instance, if you only want someone to listen, it’s important to let your supporter know that, otherwise they may try to fix the problem and make you feel worse. You can also ask them to remind you of a grounding technique that you’ve found effective, or ask them to give you an excuse to leave early if you need it.

Plan out a response to any sexual abuse related questions

When the #MeToo movement began in 2017, it opened up a space for survivors to share their stories and made conversations about sexual abuse more common. If the people at your event know that you are a survivor, it may come up in conversation. If this happens, keep in mind that you are in control of your story and you don’t have to talk about it unless you want to. Plan out a few responses you can use if someone brings this up and you don’t want to share your story or only want to share a part of your story.

Make a list of positive affirmations

Having some positive affirmations ready to use can be a great way to maintain a sense of safety in a stressful situation. You can come up with affirmations that are as general or as specific as you like. Keep in mind that you want these to be encouraging and calming. Instead of saying: “My family will never accept who I am now,” you could tell yourself: “I am enough.” Say your affirmations out loud and see how they make you feel. You can even try writing them down in prominent places so that you see them in the days leading up to the party.

Know when to say No

No one knows what you need better than you do. And sometimes what you need is to not attend a family gathering or holiday event. There can be immense power and relief when you choose to say no. It’s not always easy, however, especially if you feel as though you’re disappointing someone. Take some time to practice declining the invitation. You can even ask a friend to help you roleplay what you’ll do or say. The important thing to remember is that you're doing what is best for you and your well-being; it’s not selfish, it’s self-care.

Make self-care a priority

Speaking of self-care, it is vital for your healing journey that you make caring for yourself a priority. This looks different for everyone. If the thought of a bubble bath makes you roll your eyes, but the idea of taking a long walk makes you feel peaceful, then walking may be a good form of self-care for you. Sometimes something as simple as taking care of an everyday task that you’ve been putting off can be exactly what you need in a moment. Self-care is important for balance at all times of the year, but critical for survival in the holidays when stress can be more common.

Be kind to yourself and don't give up

If things don’t go well, it can make you feel frustrated and defeated. You may blame yourself for being triggered or not handling things as well as you wanted to. Instead of positive affirmations empowering you, you may give in to negative self-talk and berate yourself with mean thoughts. This presents a wonderful opportunity for you to practice being kind to yourself. You’re on a healing journey and this means that there may be setbacks and detours, but as long as you don’t give up then you’re heading in the right direction.

The holidays can be exhilarating or exhausting; they can be exciting or overwhelming; maybe a mix of all of them. Trust your intuition as you identify what will be best for you. Consider ways to plan ahead, ask for help when you need it, and take care of yourself. Above all, you are absolutely worth the effort, so don’t give up.

Handling the Holidays: Tips for Supporters

It can be hard to see someone you love struggle. It can also be hard to know what to say and how to help when that person is a survivor who has disclosed their abuse to you. There are countless ways that you can be a great supporter, but in our guide below we cover five of the biggest ones. Download the PDF and read on for our tips for making this holiday a happy and healthy one for the survivor in your life and you.

Listen to what they need

Too often when someone comes to us with a problem, we want to fix it or make it better. Sometimes that means that we’re jumping to solutions too quickly. Or, out of a desire to spare them the stress of talking about it, we interrupt or try to change the subject. Put those impulses aside and really listen to what they’re saying. Let them tell you what they need.

Create a Safe space

When a survivor is experiencing a trigger or is overwhelmed by their emotions, feeling safe can be the first step in helping them. Work with them to create a safe space (either literally or figuratively, depending on where you are) that will allow them to work through what they’re feeling. During a party or gathering this could mean taking them to a different room, talking to them on the phone, or stepping in to help them escape or navigate a conversation. Talk to them about what you can do to create a safe space for them.

Be a Buffer

Holiday parties or family events can be crowded, noisy, or environments where potentially difficult conversation topics arise, all of which can be very challenging for anyone to handle. However, when you are a survivor these same situations may become unbearable. Talk to your survivor about topics or people where they would like you to help out or intervene. Make a plan for how you can support them if that topic arises or that person tries to talk to them. While your first instinct may be to step in and protect, allow the survivor to call the shots. You are there to empower them to handle the situation, not fix it for them. Your behavior may also serve as an example to others and encourage them to adopt similar behaviors.

Encourage self-care

When emotions are high and stressors seem to be coming at them from every side, remind your loved one to take a minute for themselves. Encourage them to practice self-care regularly. Figure out the ways that help them decompress or recharge and try to make those possible for them as often as you can. Continue to listen and be sympathetic to the stressors and holiday busyness that the survivor is trying to navigate. Sometimes it may be especially helpful to encourage your loved one to accomplish a specific number of things on their to-do list, and then to follow that with a self-care break. It’s important to remember that your loved one doesn’t want to feel broken or incapable, and they may feel like ignoring the things they need to do will also backfire. You can remind the survivor how important balance is and that it’s especially important at this busy time of year.

Take care of yourself

Have you ever heard the adage: you can’t pour from an empty cup? It means that you can’t take care of someone else (or fill their cup) when you’re running on empty. Take time to check in with yourself and make sure that you prioritize your own self-care. You and your loved one both benefit when your needs are met before you feel burned out, defeated, or resentful. This is a critical time to practice being kind to yourself. There may be times where you’ll wish you could do more for your survivor, but know that you are a blessing in your loved one’s life and your efforts to provide support and safety is evidence of the good you are doing. (And reminding yourself of this would be a fantastic affirmation.)

Your Efforts Can Make a Difference

For many, the holidays are a wonderful time of the year filled with traditions and good food and the joy of being with the people you love. If a survivor you love is struggling, please know that you make a difference to them. You may not be able to get them to jump up and down with excitement, but you can help them look to this time of year with less dread and more hope. Sometimes letting them know that you’re there for them and they don’t have to go through it alone can make all the difference.

8 Myths About Child Sexual Abuse

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8 Myths About Child Sexual Abuse

When myths about child sexual abuse are accepted as truth, survivors may be more likely to stay silent.

In order to break the silence and lower the risk of sexual abuse, you need to know the truth about sexual abuse. Below are eight myths that we should all work to dispel:

01

Sexual Abuse Always Includes Physical Contact

Sexual abuse includes non-physical contact as well. Perpetrators may expose children to pornography or participate in acts of voyeurism. These can potentially have the same long-term effects on a child as physical sexual abuse.

02

Sexual Abuse Only Happens to Girls

Even though abuse of boys is not discussed as often, 1 in 6 boys will be sexually abused before they are 18 years old. Your sons need your protection just like your daughters need it.

03

Stranger Danger is the Biggest Cause of Sexual Abuse

Many times, perpetrators are people we interact with on a regular basis. It has been reported that 90 percent of those who are abused knew their abuser. 60 percent are abused by a trusted family friend and 30 percent are abused by a family member. While stranger danger is a risk, it is by no means the biggest risk.

04

Sexual Abuse Only Occurs in White Vans or Dark Alleys

Sexual abuse can (and does) occur anywhere children are, including schools, churches, community centers, or at home. Sexual abuse can even take place online. This is why it is important to always be on alert and always have an ongoing dialogue about the risks of abuse with your children.

05

Sexual Abuse is Always Reported to Authorities

Due to the shame that accompanies this subject, many cases of sexual abuse go unreported. Fewer than 12% of cases are reported to the proper authorities. Much of this is due to the fact that perpetrators threaten harm in order to protect their abuse. Even worse, families often sweep it under the rug after the child comes forward, causing additional damage.

06

Sex Trafficking Doesn’t Happen in Your Community

Trafficking happens in every community. According to DoSomething.org, between 14,500 and 17,500 people are trafficked in the U.S. each year. The average age a child enters the sex trade in the U.S. is 12–14 years old. It doesn’t matter how big or small the city you live in is; trafficking is taking place within your community.

07

Survivors Always Become Abusers

It is reported that 30% of survivors of child sexual abuse will become perpetrators themselves. However, this risk is significantly reduced if the survivor receives help. For this reason, the stigma surrounding this important subject needs to disappear. Everyone needs to stand up and help children find the healing they need after abuse. It is possible to break the cycle.

08

Sexual Abuse Will Happen and I Can’t Do Anything to Stop It 

Educated parents and caregivers can significantly reduce the likelihood of sexual abuse. Taking actions to stay informed about how to prevent, recognize, and respond to sexual abuse will help equip you with the tools you need to protect your children. Also, keeping an open dialogue with your children about healthy sexuality will help give your children the confidence they need to confide in you about this sensitive subject.

6 Perpetrator Grooming Behaviors Every Parent Needs to Know

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6 Perpetrator Grooming Behaviors Every Parent Needs to Know

Perpetrators of child sexual abuse are not those scary men who lurk around playgrounds looking for opportunities. In fact, according to the Crimes Against Children Research Center, 90% of children who are sexually abused know their perpetrator.

Perpetrators of sexual abuse are anywhere and everywhere. They are charismatic everyday people who earn the trust of others. They could be a staff member at your child’s school; they could be your child’s coach or music instructor; they could be at your church; they could be the nanny; they could be your very own family member.

The truth is that sexual perpetrators look and act like any other “normal” person. It can be difficult to pick them out.

However, there are things that almost all perpetrators have in common: they often use certain behaviors to groom a child for abuse. These behaviors are methodical, subtle, gradual, and escalating (meaning they intensify as time goes by). We typically refer to these as grooming behaviors.

While this might be frightening to think about, knowing these grooming patterns will help you to know how to identify grooming behavior, strengthen your parenting intuition, and help significantly lower the risk of your child being sexually abused and recognize signs of grooming behavior.

Six common grooming behaviors that every parent needs to know:

01

FORMING RELATIONSHIPS

Perpetrators seek to form relationships with children. They usually spend their spare time with children and tend to be more interested in forming relationships with children than adults.

They will single out one child as “special” and give him or her extra attention and gifts as a way to form a bond between them. They will take a special interest in a child’s look and dress and may take excessive pictures of the child.

02

TESTING BOUNDARIES

Perpetrators will try to test the boundaries of your child’s comfort levels. Sometimes they will tell off-colored or sexualized jokes to see how the child will respond. They may try to play sexualized games such as pants-ing, truth-or-dare, or strip games.

They will see how the child reacts when they enter a child’s room or normal places where children are expected to have privacy, such as the restroom.

Perpetrators thrive in secrecy, and testing boundaries helps them know if they can continue without being caught.

03

TOUCHING

Perpetrators will test the boundaries of touch with your child. They usually begin with non-sexual touches such as high-fives and hugging. They may slowly progress to inappropriate touching such as accidentally grazing a private part of the body, just to see how the child will react. They may kiss or have the child sit on their lap.

The thing to note is they will move from very innocent touching and progress to more sexual touching in order to test the reaction of the child.

04

INTIMIDATING

Perpetrators use intimidation in order to keep the child from telling another person about the abuse. They will begin by testing the child’s reaction to being blamed for something simple. They will see if the child pushes back or tells an adult. Then they will progress to threatening the child or causing a child to feel a sense of guilt.

They often use fear or embarrassment to keep a child from telling another person about the abuse. They may use statements such as, “No one will believe you,” or threaten them with danger (or danger to someone they love) to keep them from telling.

05

SHARING SEXUALLY EXPLICIT MATERIAL

Perpetrators often share sexualized material in order to normalize sex. They will use sexual terms freely in the presence of your child. They will show sexualized pictures or videos. They will often begin a sexualized relationship through messaging or texting first.

06

COMMUNICATING SECRETLY

Perpetrators will look for any communication channel to communicate with a child secretly. Often these interactions begin online. They often encourage texting, emailing and all calls to be secret. Remember perpetrators thrive in secrecy, so they will always encourage the child to keep everything silent.

A Disclaimer

It is common to read these grooming behavior signs and identify people who do some of these things, but that doesn’t automatically make them a perpetrator. The goal of talking and being informed about these grooming behaviors is to strengthen your intuition and help you be on alert.

With that said, if you ever see these behaviors and feel like something is wrong, you can use a strategy we call “confronting with kindness” to help protect your child. Confronting with kindness includes only two steps:

01

Pull the person aside and explain the boundaries you have established
for your child and why you have them.

02

Ask them to support you in those boundaries.

If the individual did the behavior innocently, they will likely be very apologetic and in the future keep those boundaries. If the individual is, in fact, a perpetrator, they will be put on high alert, and it is rare that they would continue to groom your child. If perpetrators know you are watching, they will usually stop targeting your child.

The number one thing to remember is that you are responsible to stay informed, and take an active part in your child’s life.

You can do this. The simple actions you take to stay informed can be the very things that protect your child from danger.

What to Do if You Suspect Your Child Has Been Sexually Abused

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What to Do if You Suspect Your Child Has Been Sexually Abused

Perhaps you’ve noticed a few of the physical or behavioral signs of sexual abuse in your child or a child you are close to. What now?

Most governments have clear laws on what you should do if you suspect child abuse. Learn your local laws so you know the steps to take and the order in which to do them.

But, more immediately, how should you respond and what should you say to your child? Here are eight things that can help you respond to the situation after you’ve recognized the signs.

01

TREAD CAREFULLY

The child may feel ashamed, embarrassed, or even fearful when it comes to discussing the situation. Make sure that you’re being sensitive to how the child is feeling as you talk to them.

02

RESPOND, DON’T REACT

In addition to the child’s emotions, you need to make sure to be aware of your own. Anger at the perpetrator could be misconstrued by the child as anger at them. It’s important to keep your emotions in check and respond in a controlled and kind way. This will help establish or keep trust with the child.

03

LISTEN

You may want to know every detail about the situation, but don’t interview the child. Take the time to actively listen. Let them tell you what they want, how they want, and in whatever order they want. There will be plenty of time for learning the details later.

04

LET THEM KNOW THEY’RE SAFE

Ninety percent of sexual abusers are persons the child knows, and it could be someone that they trusted. Go out of your way to make the child realize that they are safe with you and safe to open up to you.

05

VALIDATE THEIR FEELINGS

Whatever they are feeling is completely valid for the situation, even if that “feeling” is numbness. Let them know that their feelings are important and don’t brush aside feelings of shame they may have. Discounting any of their feelings may do more harm than good in the long run.

06

Don't force it

A child may not be ready to talk. They may not be ready to show you where they’re hurting. Don’t push it. Sometimes the best help is letting them know that you know and that you’re there when they’re ready.

07

IT’S NOT THEIR FAULT

This may seem obvious to you, but not to them. It’s common for children to blame themselves for part or all of the abuse. Reassure them that it is not their fault and they are not responsible for what their abuser did.

08

SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELP

Sexual abuse can affect the entire family and the family dynamic. A therapist will not only facilitate the necessary steps for the child to have a healthy recovery, but can help the family begin to heal as well.

You may feel overwhelmed with your responsibility in this situation, but recognize that you are helping your child, do your best, and get the help necessary. You’re their parent, guardian, or trusted adult. What you do can, and will, make a huge difference in helping them reclaim hope and manage their recovery.

Sexual Arousal During Abuse and the Shame of the Survivor

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Sexual Arousal During Abuse and the Shame of the Survivor

Think about the last time you sat down to eat. Maybe you finally managed to sneak a lunch break at work. Or maybe you got home for the day and had a nice family dinner. After you got done eating, you probably decided whether or not it was a good time for your body to digest your food, right? You thought to yourself, “I think I’d rather digest my food later. I just don’t have time right now, so I’ll put it off.” Wait, that’s not what happened?

Why? Because your body does lots of things automatically, without any thought from you. When you eat, your body immediately starts digesting your food, giving you nutrition and energy. It’s a natural, physiological process.

Sexual Arousal Is a Natural Process

The same thing is true of sexual arousal: it’s a natural process in our bodies. Ellen Bass and Laura Davis explain, “Our bodies are created to respond to stimulation. When they are touched sexually, our whole physiology is designed to give us pleasure. These are natural bodily reactions over which we do not have control.”1

Yet survivors still feel shame and guilt if they experienced sexual arousal during abuse, and that shame can have an impact on current relationships and experiences. For example, one survivor said:

I remember times when I became sexually excited during the abuse. Afterwards, I’d feel so upset, ashamed, and disgusted with myself . . . Now when I become sexually excited with my husband, I’ll freeze as if to stop myself from having any pleasure during sex.2

Abuse can create confusing and conflicted reactions for survivors. On one hand, you wanted to scream out and make the abuse stop. On the other hand, your body possibly experienced pleasurable sensations.

There Is No Shame in a Natural Response

You should know this: If you experienced sexual arousal or pleasure during your abuse, it doesn’t mean that you consented to or enjoyed what happened. You didn’t encourage the abuse to continue. And it doesn’t mean that sexual pleasure is bad. Put simply, if you experienced arousal or orgasm, it means your body did what bodies are supposed to do. Another survivor commented, “I had to realize I didn’t get off because I liked it . . . My body responded to touch. That was all.”1

Sex, intimacy, trust, and betrayal are connected in complicated and confusing ways for survivors. Untangling those connections will take time and work, but find comfort in knowing that the natural responses of your body are just that—natural. You don’t feel shame that your body digests food without your permission, and there’s nothing shameful about any of the other natural things that your body does.

5 Everyday Activities You Didn’t Know Were Grounding Techniques

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5 Everyday Activities You Didn’t Know Were Grounding Techniques

Guest blog post written by Sarah Burton, LMHC

Did you know there are things you do all the time that can be used as a way to ground yourself? These grounding techniques are generally something you already do (or can do) every day. The goals of grounding are to stay present in the moment, decrease the severity of intense emotions, and calm an overactive nervous system. Here are five activities you can add to your grounding toolkit.

01

SINGING

I’m usually singing along to the song playing in my car, and when I do, I can’t worry about anything! Pick up your phone and turn on your favorite song. Then sing at the top of your lungs. Why not make it a karaoke party? If you’re unsure about singing out loud, sing to yourself and focus on the tune.

02

DANCING

You may also find me dancing along to the music in my car. Whether you are in your car, in your living room, or even the shower, you can dance! Turn on some of your favorite tunes and dance like no one is watching. Let your body move in whatever way it wants to. This can be a fun activity to do with your family and friends as well.

03

SHOWERING

When in the shower, it can be helpful to focus on the water as it hits your skin. What does it feel like? What is the temperature? What is the pressure? Pay attention to the smell of your body wash, shampoo, and conditioner. For all you daring souls, turn the water on cold for the last minute of your shower.

04

STRETCHING

You don’t have to be an expert yogi to take advantage of the benefits of stretching. Take 5-10 minutes each day and stretch your arms, legs, back, neck, shoulders, feet, and hands. Pay attention to your breathing and how your muscles feel as you stretch them. Just like yoga, there should be no pain, so only stretch to the point you feel comfortable with.

05

PLAYING

Play is an integral part of healing as many survivors were unable to fully engage in play as children. Go outside to play a game of catch with a child or dog, play a game of hide and seek or tag, play board or card games, get on the ground and build some Legos, or snuggle with a pet, etc. Whatever you choose to do to play, just make sure you are staying present in the moment and having fun!

Remember, the key to grounding is practice, practice, and more practice even when you don’t need to be grounded. Grounding techniques can be your best friend when they become habitual, and in time they will be instinctual. Utilizing grounding skills that you already do every day may make it easier to remember to practice. You may even get to the point where driving and singing and dancing, all at the same time, is your favorite thing to do!

The Challenge of Disclosing Your Abuse

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The Challenge of Disclosing Your Abuse

Imagine that you’re wearing an invisible backpack filled with heavy rocks. No matter what activity you’re doing—whether you’re shopping at the grocery store, picking up your child from school, or going out on a romantic date—you’re wearing that invisible backpack. It’s always on your mind, and it’s always sapping your energy. Often people around you can’t understand your behavior. Why do you seem distracted? Why are you tired all the time? In your mind, the reason is clear: you’re carrying a heavy burden all day every day.

As a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, you might have moments when you feel like you’re carrying an invisible weight. Others can’t see it, but to you, it’s there and it’s real. At some point you might consider telling others about your abuse, taking the invisible and making it visible, but the thought of disclosing can be overwhelming and scary. Here are a few helpful things to know.

If you haven’t disclosed, you’re not alone

Nondisclosure is actually common among survivors of childhood sexual abuse. A review of studies about sexual abuse revealed that “significant numbers of children do not disclose experiences of sexual abuse until adulthood” and “significant proportions of adults have never disclosed.” One study found that 26% of adult survivors had never disclosed their abuse until the time of the study.1

There are lots of reasons that people don’t disclose: shame for what happened, fear that the perpetrator will retaliate somehow, the desire to protect a family member, even doubt that memories are accurate and abuse happened at all.2 Sadly, the younger a child is when their abuse occurred and the closer their relationship to the perpetrator, the less likely they are to disclose.1 If you haven’t disclosed your abuse, you shouldn’t feel bad or guilty. Deciding if and when to disclose is a challenge that every survivor faces.

Disclosing is a complicated process—but it can help on your healing journey

Disclosing typically isn’t a simple, one-time event. It’s a complicated process that usually involves a series of partial disclosures to test people’s reactions to information and ensure that it’s safe to say more. In fact, many survivors describe the “emotional and cognitive processes involved in the decision to disclose . . . as overwhelming.”3 If these are questions that you’re currently trying to figure out, you’re not alone.

We know that the thought of disclosing can be scary. In fact, it might sound impossible. But there are some potential benefits that can come to you on your healing journey. Remember the invisible backpack? Telling others about your abuse can make your load feel lighter. People can help more if they understand what you’re going through.

Your story has power

Remember that your story has power, and remember that your story is yours. Benefits can come from disclosing, but make sure the time is right. Disclosing abuse requires some vulnerability, so try to select people you trust. You don’t have control over the way people respond to what you tell them, but you can seek out loving and supportive friends and family. Ultimately, only you can decide who to tell and how much to say, and these are important questions for you to think through. Be thoughtful and purposeful in what you share with others, and you might open up a new door on your healing journey as you take your story out of the dark and shed some light on it.